My True Soul

Another pic-niik basket!

Last night, there was something Manda had wanted to tell me. Then, as she went to tell me, she decided she didn't want to discuss it.

I think I know what this is about. And it's not bad. It's just not something she wants to say, admit to, or anything. It's not something she wants to hear herself say. And it's not something I want to hear myself say either. There are possibilities in a relationship. Either you stay together or you break up. That's it. There are degrees of those possibilities. Staying together for 2 months, 6, a year, 5 years. Or breaking up tomorrow. It's a possibility. I know, when it comes to her, she has SO many things that I want in the person that I spend my life with. This is fact. It's like looking at a list of traits that you want and checking them off. It's been almost 2 months that we've been together. It's too soon to say anything like that. My mind knows that, just as it knows that she has these things. Just as it knows we could break up.

She mentioned having these things she wanted to experience. She didn't say who with, but, I'm fairly certain since she was talking to me, it was me. She mentioned one image. I won't say what it was, but, it was kinda serious.

To admit that we see in each other things that we've always wanted, from mundune things to more serious ones, would be admitting something that both of us, logically are supposed to run from

I know I have these feelings. But, I'm just going to hang in, see what happens, see if this all wears off, see if it's just the rose-colored glasses, see if it's just myself tricking me. Yeah. It's kinda crazy.

She and I discussed how it was somewhat weird that she actually is getting along with me. She doesn't really like people and is mostly anti-social when it comes to letting people in on a really personal level. I, by no means, am supposed to be as close to her as I am.

Yesterday, we spent about an hour looking at her yearbooks. She showed me the one from... um... 2001, right. Looking at the freshmen and you guys know how it is whenever you're looking at a group of people you're not familiar with, you'll scan them over and there will be that one or two people who you're like "Wow, they're attractive." Yeah... I did that... with her. I started laughing, which prompted her asking me to explain, which I did.

I had to make a choice between staying at her house last night for dinner with her mom or not. She kept saying that we should go see her mom, I didn't know if she was serious or not. I really didn't want to. I'm not sure what to do when it comes to her mom. Maybe I should have went. Maybe that would have been best. Maybe I should have stayed for dinner. But, I have no clue if that would be best or not. (I know what most of you are thinking - ask Manda, she would know her mom best... it isn't like I already haven't, Manda doesn't know what to expect from her mom, that's part of the problem.)

In other news... let's see. I'm tired of being around Tyler. I really can't wait until this semester is over. If I make it through this semester with all A's, it'll be a miracle. So far, I've got them at mid-terms. I am desperate for a break.

God. I don't like these people who had it so easy before (like in high school) when it came to work and now they're bitchin' cause they actually are having to work in college. Either that or they're so f***ing lost in how to handle their f***ing life because guess what, they've NOT actually had to work HARD at doing anything before. I have no clue how it feels to NOT have to work. I've always had to. So, I have tactics to try to deal with it.

I say this, with Manda being one of those people who just gets things. I say that with MANY friends who are the same way. But only a few who realize it's not that great. She realizes now, after her being able to get things easily crashing down on her in an academic manner, that it's not such a great thing to always have things come to you. Because, when you don't get it, guess what? It makes it so much harder. It's like always having something and then having it taken away suddenly, your entire world is shifted at that second and you don't know how to handle it.

I was able to handle 19 hours before, now it's harder, I freaked out for a little bit. But now? I'm getting things back on track. Which reminds me, I need to work on the quia stuff soon, try to think of something for experimental, finish studying for experimental, read for gender studies, read for society and the individual. I think I'll go to do that here shortly.

My self-esteem, it's going down the drain.
I don't want to do my school work, but I don't want to do the things that would make me feel like doing them. I don't want to drive and go somewhere just to sit there and do my work. I just don't feel like I can get comfortable, period. Unless I'm asleep. I hate my body at this moment in time. I hate that I hate it. If that makes any sense. Manda spent the last weekend we were together talking to me about it, she's one of those people that if she loves you, she's going to cherish each part of you, it's really amazing. And no matter what she says, I can't believe it. She knows, it's fine, she doesn't push. And who do I have to talk to about this? Oh, let me try to talk to Tyler. God. To him, I should not have ANY problems because I have a girlfriend. Like a girlfriend automatically solves EVERY problem in my life. He's very disillusioned when it comes to relationships.

I have no clue. I think here in a little bit, I'm going to go read for my classes and then start studying for experimental again.

Lemme know if you guys know where the title came from, haha.

Tyler called my cell phone earlier. I don't want to call him back. He said he'd probably see me today. I don't want to see him. I just don't want to be around anyone today.