Grey Matter of an Irish Aries

Blue

Monday in June,
Relationships are weird. Usually when you’re in a fling with someone, you know. The only times I know that Tim and I are in a fling are at the end when we kiss. We were friends for about four years and it was until a spin the bottle game at my friend’s, Stephanie, birthday bash that we fell in love. We still do the same stuff as we do as friends but we sneak in a few kisses here and there. We hardly dress up, even when we go out to dinner and it’s like we can totally be ourselves around each other. I guess I just loving being with him.

Thursday,
It’s hot out. Tim and I took his younger sister, Ashley, to the pool. We laughed when she almost drowned in the knee-deep water. Knee deep on her, I mean. I know it’s mean but I couldn’t help it. And Tim is the type to laugh at his reflection, so you know he was hysterical. It was not funny to Ashley, who bit Tim in the butt, causing him to fall into the water. She towered over him, laughing that adorable giggle she has. I stood there for a moment; laughing so hard tears came to my eyes. That happens a lot. Tim looked at me, his face dripping with water. He grabbed my arm and pulled me down. Ashley kept laughing, but she’s six so that’s okay.

Friday,
Tim and I went to Carvel for ice cream shakes. On the way back to his house, we passed by a playground. Knowing he was thinking the same thing, I pulled him to the swings. We took turns pushing each other, and then we sat swing next to swing, holding hands. I want to bottle that moment forever because I loved him so much.
Later, it rained and we raced to my house as fast as we could.

Saturday,
Tim’s and my relationship is good. He’s not like overprotective of me and he lets me hang with my pals. He doesn’t like them but he’s not like “No you can never hang out with them. It’s them or me.” I’m like that, too. In my opinion, his friends are dorks. All they do is hang out at some guy’s garage and talk about cars. It has to be a guy thing.
Of course, I’d never tell him that.

Sunday,
It’s Sunday morning and the sun is shining. Tim told me about his average Saturday night, which was hanging out at Jordan’s and talking about trucks. I laughed out loud and he asked me about mine. I told him and he rolled his eyes and tried to copy my laugh. I could tell he cared. That was sarcastic.

Tuesday,
I have a huge math final tomorrow. Tim asked if I wanted his help. He tutored me for two hours on quadratic equations and geometry. He got a wee bit frustrated because I didn’t get it until an hour and something minutes of his teaching me. He was a big help, he says he wants to be a teacher but he’s got to work on his patience. Trust me, I’ve noticed that. After that, I helped him with biology.

Friday,
I got bored after taking my Spanish final, so Tim suggested we go the mall. (His parents think he’s got a huge feminine side. Joke.) We were in the Discovery store and I saw this little blue marble. I showed it to Tim, who rolled his eyes. He doesn’t like that color. I bought it, as I never listen to Tim’s opinion.

Tuesday,
I babysat Ashley while Tim and his mother went to the doctor. We played house and Barbie. Both times, I played the baby. When Tim got home, his eyes were red. He got a shot. I didn’t laugh until I got out of the house. Tim’s horrified of getting shots.

Wednesday,
Ashley told me this joke and the way she said it made me laugh so hard tears poured from my eyes. It’s this ‘how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood’. Whoa, try to say that ten times fast!
My math test results came today. I got a 94, thanks to Tim’s help. He told me he got an 88 on his biology test.

Friday,
Tim surprised me today. I’m not sure when, but he went to the Discovery store and bought the exact same marble as me, which shocked me because the day I bought it, he was totally against it. I was even more surprised when he suggested we trade. We did, so now I have his and he has mine. Stephanie thinks this is ‘whack’. I asked her if that was good or bad. She laughed and nodded, which gave it away.

Saturday,
I’m holding Tim’s little blue marble as I write this. I love how it rolls around. It’s never in the same place, kind of like my relationship with Tim.
Spent the usual girls’ night out Saturday. We saw the latest Matt Damon flick, which he was so hot in by the way. Too bad he dies in the end.

Tuesday,
It’s funny how one look can change a relationship. Yesterday after gym, Tim pulled me aside saying he had to talk to me. I was too busy to listen. Thinking it was nothing important, I told him I’d listen later and headed to history. At the end of the hallway I turned around. Tim was crying. Now, I am so mad at myself for doing that to him. I called him several times but nobody picked up. I could tell he was mad at me.

Thursday,
I want to remember this day as a normal one but I know I can’t. This has to be the worst day of my life.
I went to Tim’s homeroom and found him sitting on the floor next to the door. I sat down next to him. “I’m sorry for not listening. But I am here now so I will listen.” He looked up at me. I listened to him struggle to get it out, although now I wish I hadn’t. I listened to myself telling him to get it out, although I wish I hadn’t.
His words will never leave me.
“I’m moving.”

Saturday,
Tim is moving to Canada! After he told me, I stood there. My eyes begged me to cry but the rest of me wouldn’t listen. I walked away. I felt lost. I felt sort of betrayed. How could he do this?


Sunday,
I don’t get this emotion stuff. Tim was crying when he told me. I couldn’t let one drop out, I couldn’t get mad, and I’m empty.

Tuesday,
Tim’s is leaving in three weeks. His parents want to be closer to home. They hate America, they say. But I say, screw you for doing this to him, to me. I’m mad, but I can’t cry at all. Tim tries to make these last days seem like nothing. We do the same stuff, but there’s this emptiness that wasn’t there before. I guess it’s the feeling of his not being there that already inhabits our favorite places. As far as I’m concerned, Tim is already gone.

Wednesday,
The days are getting longer, but in my case those days end as soon as I wake up after dreaming that Tim isn’t moving. I’m mad at Tim’s parents, who are totally unsympathetic about this. They don’t care at all.

Thursday,
Tim made me go to the park, that one we passed on the way home from Carvel. We sat the swings in silence for an hour or so. I am in denial, utter denial that my boyfriend, and my best friend, is leaving forever. Last year, we were inseparable. Why is it that this year we are being separated?

Saturday,
I lay awake in my bed for three hours. I felt something ooze from my eyes. I cried. At least, I’m not empty anymore.

Monday,
Tim won’t talk about the move. He says it hurts too much. I cannot believe this boy is saying this to me. It hurts me just as much as much it hurts him. But every time I bring it up, he changes the subject. I know he doesn’t want to leave, I understand that. But I don’t understand why he thinks this only involves him.

Friday,
I told him exactly how I felt. He understands and he’s sorry. He’s been arguing with his parents a lot to stay here. But they don’t listen. He’s leaving, in less than two weeks.

Tuesday,
One week to go. Tim showed me a picture of his new house. I love the outside color. I hate that fact that Tim is going to Montreal to live there.

Wednesday,
I went to Tim’s house. We were sitting on his bed talking when he pulled a box from behind him. I opened it and it had all this stuff he had borrowed from me: my tapes, my pictures and all these other things. He told me to take them except for the pictures. I stuffed my hands in my denim jeans pockets and found Tim’s blue marble. I handed it to him but he handed it back. I didn’t argue. I can’t stop the tears pouring down my face as I write this.
It just hurts me so much that my best friend is being taken away. I can honestly say that I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I’m going to miss him so much when he’s gone…
When he’s gone…that’s a time I don’t want to think about.

Saturday,
I can’t believe there are only two more days. School ended yesterday, but that was the last thing on my mind. My teachers noticed how this has affected me because of my sad dark blue eyes, not to mention the bags I have under them. They give me that “I feel your pain’ look, but having me for a year told them it’s not their place to butt in.
Tim’s room is empty except for his bed. The rest of his stuff is in the van, an automobile I will never look at the same again.

Monday,
Good-byes are the worst thing in the world when they aren’t followed by “Oh, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I hugged Ashley, who cried that adorable cry that fills you with guilt. I faced Tim, who cried more than Ashley. I cried, too.
Then, he said something to me that I will never ever forget. “Remember the little blue marble.” I remembered I still had it and offered it to him, but he refused. “It’s yours, keep it. Whenever you miss me, look at it.” I told him to take his advice and he laughed
I hugged him for an eternity, slashed short.

Thursday,
He’s gone!

Friday,
I wrote him a letter and I hope he gets it. I have his home address, his e-mail, and all that junks. He’s been gone two days and I miss him like hell.

Saturday,
I’m holding Tim’s blue marble. He was my boyfriend, my best friend and my tutor. But what I remember most about him is his baby blue eyes and the way he rolled them. I could never let go off those blue marbles.