Zee Blog

A new day.

Life is so akward.

4:30 in the morning and I'm still up.

I had a long talk with Shauna tonight. She seemed to be depressed for most of the evening and so I asked her if anything was wrong. She said she wasn't, but when I pressed her she told me that she had stopped taking her Lexapro. I informed her that stopping taking an anti-depressant can cause an almost withdrawal like state. Her doctor didn't tell her.

I told her she should consider asking my doctor about it. After her sever illness she started going to my family doctor since her main practitioner didn't seem capable of telling her head from her ass.

She replied that she didn't feel comfortable enough with my doctor.

She fears being told that she might have a problem. A problem being a true depression disorder. I told her it was better to find out if something was going on, rather than ignoring it.

I asked her if she thought I was weak because I was going to a counselor again. She said that it made her think of me as being strong because I was seeking the help to better my life. She said she wasn't strong enough to do the same.

Her beliefs are much like mine were at her age: "My life isn't half as bad as what others have to go through." There is a lot worse out there in the world, but that doesn't make her or my own situation any less real.

I'm not sure if she would feel comfortable with me expressing her family history, but suffice to say, her father is a real winner. I would personally like to hang the man by his genitalia.

She is a wonderful girl, and deserves the best life can offer.

Tomorrow I am going to be giving a call to a woman who is trying to get her certification to be a life coach. She is the mentor of my friend Michele, and has been teaching for over 20 years. As part of her certification she is taking on five people. I'm hoping to be one of them.

On Thursday I begin my counselling again. It was a mistake to have stopped, but at the time it felt like the best choice in my mind. Granted, I can't be a rocket scientist all of the time.

I gave Shauna a hug, told her she was a great girl and stronger than she thought. I also told her she deserved to be able to live a life without the control of unwanted emotions.

And so, at 4:46 I'm going to go to sleep so I can make it to school. God damnit I need to change my life around. Everything feels like it is spinning out of control.