Straight No Chaser

I Truth, I Lie

i don't even know anymore. and it's important to note that i have a normal number of digits. feet and hands.

1. when i was a kid, after school i: was only allowed to watch one hour of tv a day, not that the babysitters ever enforced that; ate pepperoni sandwiches and plums dipped in sugar; made up endless stories and told them to a then-adoring chad; felt compelled, somehow, to dump out my rock collection every day, line the rocks up end to end so that they snaked out the door my bedroom and down the stairs to the basement, back up the stairs and out the front door, where hopefully i'd run into a parent coming home from work. i didn't like the babysitters much.

2. this one time when i was high: i convinced myself i'd be able to fly if i tongue-kissed krystle, thereby sucking her dry of her liquid katra. but then she wouldn't stand still, damn her.

3. the new pope: will probably affect my life at some point, but like so many things, the effect will be so infinitessimally small as to be indiscernible. ha! i know the proper usages of affect and effect!

4. i fall asleep easily: in the driver's seat of my eighteen-wheeler.

5. i need more: time with marcus. he hasn't slept in a reported seventy-two hours, which makes it more or less okay that he hasn't seen me in that time either, but urgh. i need more time in general, because if i had more time, i'd be using it to write a novel. marcus wrote a short story for one of his classes, some kind of gothic something-or-other, and he showed it to me and i wanted to reciprocate. he has, at this point, read the majority of the stories i'm proudest of, and i really don't want to start dipping into the rejects folder. i had plans to write this weekend, and they didn't work out. i need more time. i need more marcus.

6. i need less: body fat.

7. public toilets are useful for: strengthening the hamstrings, and making a trip to the airport very difficult. that's how i got my suitcase stolen, last thanksgiving; the stall was too small, and the walls were too tall, and the thieves went and took it, nametag and all. ha!

8. the united states should change its name to: janet september depp.

9. my theme song would be: "shaft," but instead they'd say "shan," because i'm hard and bald and complicated, and no one understands me but my woman. i'm not a bad mothershutyomouth, not so much, but we'd edit that part out, and replace it with "they say this cat shan is a halfwaydecent shutyomouth." can you dig it?

10. sometimes i think people: are nice to have around.

11. prescription drugs are: fine when used as directed, horrible when abused. i don't really take them unless i absolutely have to. i still have almost all the pills left over from that throat infection, because i only took two rounds.

12. i think about sex when: ...i really don't. i almost never think about sex. i think my hormones are broken.

13. the middle finger is most useful: when used with the thumb to trill on sharp keys. my index finger was never strong enough to get a clear sound, doing that, and there are lots of them in chopin waltzes, so i was glad to learn. i'm thinking about taking one semester of piano here, because it seems like it'd be fun, but i don't really have time to practice regularly, and i already took fourteen years of lessons. and the weird piano lady here, every time i go to the music building to fool around on the baby grand, she takes it to mean i might want to switch my major, learn to play the pipe organ, blah blah blah. i don't. i want to finish out this degree i've already begun, and i want to be good at the piano. i don't need her for either.

14. the last time i bought a pair of shoes: they were four hundred-dollar gold-buckled wedges, and i could not imagine a better use for my money.

15. in one month: and two days, i will be at the kennedy center seeing the nutcracker ballet, for probably the fifteenth time in my life, and i can't wait.

16. for the last time: that's a flashlight in my pocket, but i am happy to see you.

17. the last thing i stole: was a packet of dinosaur fruit snacks from a box on melony's desk. i left a quarter in exchange. i still feel like a thief.

18. if i won the lotto, the first thing i would buy: would be a tubal ligation. hello sweet, sweet freedom.

19. when in rome: date a pretty italian woman and make her your wife. that will solve the problem of the genes your children might otherwise be saddled with. also, take pictures of the historic buildings, visit an art museum and eat some authentic manicotti. send souvenirs of all three back to me, please.

20. if only i could get rid of: this extra pinky finger.

21. your mom: would have a conniption if she knew what i know about you. this is not directed at anyone specifically; if you think it doesn't apply to you, you're probably wrong.

22. when i'm on death row my last meal will be: short. and hopefully carb-lite.

23. the last person who talked to me: was helping me execute a really elaborate scheme involving styrofoam plates and peach cobbler. after all that, though, i felt fat when i got back to the room, and threw it away.

24. i mostly use the internet: for homework and other important business. it could become a giant timewaster if i didn't keep it under such vigilant control.

25. when i'm president: i will see myself as a spokesperson for, rather than a delegate of, the people. "no child left behind," one of the worst ideas ever, will be a thing of the past. i'll restore balance to the supreme court, demonstrate my active support of a woman's right to choose, do something about social security and veto whatever mandate says kids can't wear flip-flops to the white house. (oh wait, there isn't one!) but this will never happen, because i doubt we'll ever have a democrat in office ever again, for one thing; and oh yeah, i'm black and a girl, i'm uninterested in politics and i don't want to be president.

26. i most resemble: a mon-chi-chi, when i've just washed my hair. did i spell that right?

27. the word i say too much is: "sorry."

28. vegas is great for: doubling your fortune, guaranteed and with no strings attached. experiencing the pleasures of fine food and drink with no chance of overdoing. losing your virginity to a worthy, committed partner who will certainly still love you in the morning.

29. michael jackson: touches little boys, but is still a creative genius, and a phenomenon the likes of which the world hardly deserved.

30. the speed limit means: everything, in atlanta.

31. when i die i want my body: excavated for its useful organs, and then cremated, and its ashes scattered in rock creek park.

32. if i could go back in time i: would relive high school, the best years of my life.

33. the last time i said "this sucks": was probably yesterday when my car died for the second time, in which case it was the laughable understatement of the year, because it more than sucked, it blew. i'd left the headlights on for two days. and i didn't have any gas. totally my fault. i felt really stupid.

34. you obviously know me well when: you tease me about marcus, because i take that extremely well, every time.

35. tomorrow i will: go to class, twice, and then to krystle's to watch the donald.

36. i spend too much time: cleaning up my own mistakes. waiting for the triple a man ate up three hours of my day, yesterday.

37. the last thing i broke: still hasn't been fixed.

38. oh yeah, and don't forget: there is no sex in the champagne room.