Life with an Addict

where are we now?

I feel as if I've reached the end of a long drive through a thunderstorm only there's no rainbow to offer hope.
The past few months have been so full of lies and deceit. I knew he was gambling and probably heavy into cocaine but there was no way for me to prove it. Finally, he gambled enough that there was no question and I told him we're through. For the next month he'll be here while he finishes working for the year, from there who knows. Maybe he'll leave maybe he'll stay. Everything is so hopeless now that I'm too empty to care either way. This year I had Christmas figured out. I had enough budgeted for groceries, bills and a few presents. I was so looking forward to it. Now, all I have left is enough to cover most of the bills. I always loved Christmas like a child, now I couldn't care less.
There's been no fighting, I think we just both know that there's no point. He's dragging me and the children down into a dark pit and I know that the guilt of that is eating him alive. I think back to who he was before the gambling started to control him. He was kind, generous and happy. Now he's sneaky, cranky and iresponsible. It doesn't seem fair that such a horrible disease can slowly consume him with no hope of cure. There's no pill to take, and therapy seems to be a waste of time. He's been cheating on me for almost 15 years with the high he gets from gambling. If it were another woman we could deal with it and move on, but this is a force that I can't even hope to compete with.