Catching Idle Butterflies

A little faith -- but just a little.

Just over a year ago, after thinking we never wanted to have children (see "Invalid Item"  if you want to know the specifics) we are now trying. Every month that passes and I find out I’m not pregnant presents me with a challenge.

One time I was so upset I cried. I sat in my husband’s lap and complained how hard this was, etc, etc. As calm as ever, Dave kept silent and let me rant.

When I finished, he held my Black Hills Gold cross pendant and asked, “Why do you wear this if you have no faith in it?”

Ouch.

But exactly what I needed to hear. We both figured this would not happen quickly, and we would never know when until I finally do get pregnant. We can only do our part. The rest is up to God. So every time since then when I’m disappointed, all I have to do is fiddle with my little cross and remember Dave’s words. God’s timing is not my timing. Only He knows when the perfect time is.

This path I’m on has already taught me a few things, learning to be patient is but one. After all, only He knows what’s best for Dave, me, and our future children. I can think of hundreds of reasons why He should say yes, but there are likely an equal amount of reasons why He wants us to wait, reasons I can’t even imagine.

But something else also occurred to me as I was thinking about today’s entry.

It’s easy to praise God for positive answers to prayer, but equally as easy to get frustrated with Him when He tells me no. When I discovered God told me no again, I didn’t mad. I experienced about five minutes of disappointment, but after that I thanked Him. Crazy, huh? To thank God for telling me no for something I want so badly?

It’s easy to say that we must thank God in all things, but to actually do it, well that’s difficult. Perhaps I’m learning – finally – that dependence on or praising God is not based on what He can do for me, but for simply being who He is, and taking on blind faith that He always keeps my best interests in mind, even when I forget. Knowing that is incredibly freeing, because I don’t have to worry about the future and other things I can’t control.