Zee Blog

Cleaning my room.

I know I shouldn't be stopping, because I'm only going to kill my momentum, but I really needed a moment to kind of defuddle my brain.

Since my break up with Marne I really haven't cleaned my room. It's like a mine field of old reminders and screaming torment. Yet, I find myself in this mode I was a very long time ago where I'm at a point that old memories need to be thrown away and left to nothing more than memories. Physical reminders have got to go.

There are a few posessions I'm not sure I will get rid of though. The pieces I am talking about are the small statues Marne bought me for birthday/Christmas presents. I have a minituare of the Alien from Aliens, Spider-Man in his black costume, and two statues of Miar Link(sp?) from an Anime called Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust.

The last two pieces are the most heart wrenching, and possibly ironic, of the set. The first statue I received of this character was one that took nearly a year for me to get after Christmas. The company was so backlogged on them that Marne didn't actually get it to me until she came up to see me in the following August in Chicago. She brought it up to Chicago just to give it to me, so that I could see she wasn't lying(an inside joke at the time).

The statue is a scene from the movie in which Miar Link is holding his soon to be bride underneath his cloak. His left arm is outstretched, showing a horrible scabbed looking gauntlet on his hand. The scene is haunting, and I can't help but to feel that Marne most likely looks back to me as something akin to this vampire.

There were a few times during our relationship when she wouldn't say it outright, but you could tell by the way she would talk about it, or look at me, or in the subject she would bring it up, where she felt I was holding her back, or causing her to lose her footing on the path of what she wanted to do.

I dunno, it feels like she probably did look at me as a form of motivational vampire. Hell, even I feel like said vampire.

I crave for her, or someone like her. For some reason I feel like I need another strong person in my life like that, who is that close. To be disgustingly honest, I would love to feed off of someone's motivation for a while to help motivate me.

One of the many reasons I'm in counseling.

When I was cleaning out my closet I stumbled upon one of her pictures. The first picture I had ever received from her. It was her Senior Picture.

It was weird, because I kind of held it in my hand for a moment. My heart fell into my stomach, and then down in my bladder, like it usually does and my mind said to my heart: "Cry if you need to." All my heart did was throw the picture in the trash with the other memories.

For a while it was like a parent chasing after a child. "You can cry if you need to. Just do it if it will make you feel better." My heart would not entertain the thought for a second.

So, I decided maybe if I sat down for a bit it would happen, or somehow I would gain another understanding.

Yet, for some reason, it feels like stomping your foot on disturbed soil after you have finished filling a hole.

I dunno. Doesn't make sense.

On a funny note, I had to go through a "Self-Defeating Belief Test" for my counseling session tomorrow. Ya...if that thing is right, then I'm pretty much mush. That isn't what is funny though.

My dad stopped me on the way out of my house this morning and asked, "Could you get another one of those tests from your counselor?"

I asked, "Why?"

"Well, sometimes we all deal with things like this."

I simply nodded and walked out.

Could my father possibly be admitting he needs some form of counseling? Help? Support?

I'm pretty sure the day that happens Hell will freeze over, Hitler will become the President of the United States, and Kurt Kobain will begin doing covers of Brittany Spears at some Lounge Lizard in the sky.

Stay tuned.