Just Plain Jennifer: A BLOG

Good times, good times

Roak actually upgraded me. I am so worthless when it comes to this site, but they really really like me! (jk) Really though, it was a great surprise. I really didn't see it coming. But, enough of that fun stuff.

I have been something that I never thought was possible. I've quit smoking (almost 3 wks now), started eating healthy (yes, I know *barf*), and I've been going to the gym everyday.

It's weird though. I ate a terrible meal today (holiday luncheon) and I felt SO bad. But it did taste pretty good. I don't know, I guess I kind of feel like a traitor to myself. Since I've been on my happy drugs, I've kind of started to become that person I used to see and despise. The girl who has good habits, doesn't smoke, brushes her teeth twice a day, etc. It's not a big deal, but there is still that little part of me that is now (hopefully?) dead. I mourn the renagade in me. (corny, I know fuck you)

Anyway, I'm at work right now; nothing to do. I think I might go out and drink tonight? That's another thing that I've given up on. I started drinking too much and there was just this breaking point where I realized that if I don't put a stop to it and limit it now, who knows where I will be. But, I'm not going to quit altogether. I gave myself rules which I have successfully followed.

Oh, I think I need to apologize to all for the last entry. I think that I kind of blacked out and some spirit entered my body and wrote that shit down. It wasn't me. (Of course my husband wasn't cheating. Maybe he kind of liked me to think that) I'm just a ridiculous idiot sometimes.

Stewart is really starting to drive me crazy. He has to know everything. I can't ask him to do something because I'm either bitching or trying to make him feel bad, and I'm a terrible person because I share my problems that I have with him. (He never has problems with me. Ever)

Maybe we're getting too close to that ol' seven year itch. I just don't get any fucking emotion from him. No touches, no stupid lovey crap. (How did I get so lucky? whatever)

You guys don't get it. I used to be THE most loving person when showing emotions. (to a man) But now that I haven't gotten it for SO long, I feel like I'm just showing an infatuation with him. What is the fucking point really if I don't know he feels the same about me? I'm not going to make myself look like an idiot time and time again. Why is it so hard for him? He did it when we were "courting"? What false advertisement. I'm just really pissed and ultimately disappointed about the whole thing.

I kind of thought about divorce night before last. It made me really sad. He and I get along really well (for the most part) and I like being with him. Should we do that without the romantic part? I think that we probably could erase that and not miss anything. I feel bad for saying so, though. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. But thinking about him with another woman, especially being all the things I want him to be, is devastating and I think I'd probably kill him .

I don't want another person. I just want him to make me feel fucking loved. Buy me a little gift every month or two. Does it require a lot of money? NO. I don't want the same old crap that I get which is just a default.

Do I have to give him an ultimatum? Why would I want to do that? Everytime I tell him how I feel, he goes into his little shell and feels sorry for himself. He doesn't try to fix the issue, he just thinks how what I said makes him feel. I really don't think that he can truly empathize with me. (or anyone else?) I don't know if this is what it is to be narcisistic or what. (And I do know that I can be an asshole sometimes and I do try to put myself in his place, so I can say that stuff.)

Well, I hope that I get drunk tonight-that way I can drink myself into being loved by him. I'm so desperate.