Michelle's Blog, Blog, Blog

Selfishly Suffering Middle Class Blues

I hate classes and I know we are luckier than some but lately I've been overwhelmed with finances. I'm in a constant state of panic.. I'm not sure how I'm going to pay the bills and to the point where my anxiety paralyzes me from doing anything. Credit card bills, car payments, diapers, child care, formula that costs 23 dollars a can (and we go through almost 2 a week,) the price of gas, house payment and utility bills eat both of our paychecks. I had my first panic attack last week while at work. I almost had to tell my lead that I had to leave for awhile but if I did that, I wouldn't be paid for that time and ironically that's why I was panicked, money or lack of it. At least Christmas holiday is Friday and Monday which means I'll get paid for 4 days for the next 2 weeks instead of only 3 days like over Thanksgiving break. I'm a contractor and do not have the time in yet to get paid for holidays. A contractor, a position I started a couple months ago after being let go unexpectedly from a company. It was a mad dash to find another job but luckily this position was available. It's through February and hopefully I'll have something more permanent by then. Until that happens, I have a sick feeling all day long, to the point where I'm almost physically sick. Some days I don't eat any breakfast or lunch, my feet tap a hundred times a minute and I ball up my hands so tight, my fingernails cut into my palms and I hope the face I painted doesn't show the trauma I feel below the surface. I sigh a lot, sometimes so loudly it shocks me. I panic when the phone rings and when we get the mail. I tear up at the smallest sadness. What is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? I'm a mother, I make sacrifices. I haven't gotten a hair cut in months. I've just been trimming my bangs. When my skin cleanser runs out, I cut the top open to use every last bit. I haven't bought new pressed power. I've been using cotton balls of loose powder in a used compact and using sample mascaras I've saved. I give my kids my last five dollars and go without. I'm using lotion from a hotel we stayed at last year. I drink water instead of pop. I'm wearing an old bra I hope lasts another year and the one pair of jeans I can still wear. I didn't get any gifts for the Angel Tree this year. I usually get 2 names. I want to make sure I have enough for gifts for my angels. I don't want anything for Christmas and I'll probably get more than I deserve. My mind won't stop and the 45 minutes commute only makes me dwell on my problems more. I need to get rid of the clutter and I don't know how. I feel like I'm sinking more than I'm swimming most days.
But we are wealthy in love, health and happiness. I have a husband who gets up in the morning to make sure I am up for work, who starts my car for me even when he doesn't work and could sleep in. We're all healthy minus a few colds or flu. We can laugh together as a family at the dinner table. I have kids that I cherish and adore and a husband that I cannot live without. At least I have a job and a car and a house. I wish we would win the lotto or I could sell the book that's in my mind that I can't write because I'm a great procrastinator and a perfectionist to the point that the smallest detail, like where to start, stops me from even beginning. I want to tell my story in the hope that it touches people and hopefully will give another courage or inspiration to survive and live. I've been through abuse, drugs, suicide, divorce and now, at 40 feel like I am just starting my life. I find myself envious of celebrities, singers, the person at the checkout line paying in cash or the one that confidently hands over a credit card to the cashier. I wonder what it would be like not to have to worry about money or how we were going to pay our bills. Will we ever be there? I hope I have enough anxiety pills to get me through the week so I can work another week and another week and another week. I pray all the time. Please God help us.