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Desert Islands

Just the other day, a friend of mine (who I'll call Johann Sebastian Bach, XII) asked this of me:

If you knew that tomorrow you would suddenly and unexpectedly find yourself trapped on an unmapped desert island in the middle of the Pacific ocean, what three things would you gather up today to take with you on your upcoming excursion?

"Hmph," I said to Johann Sebastian Bach, XII, "That's simple. I'd pack a Cessna, a pilot, and a flight attendant."

"????," asked Johann Sebastion Bach, XII. (I forgot to mention that Johann is deaf, and communicates to me through a mixture of sign language, charades, and innapropriate gestures)

"Well," I replied, "I'd use the plane and the pilot to get the hell off of the island."

"???!!?!!?" he asked.

"Oh, the flight attendant? I don't really need one. But you said I could pack three things, and I figured I'd become a little famished on the long trip across the Pacific, so I decided that it might be handy to have someone nearby to serve me peanuts and club soda," I replied.

"No, no, no!" said Johann Sebastian Bach, XII. "You can't just leave!"

"Why not?" I asked him.

"Because it's a theoretical island. You can't fly off of something that doesn't exist. <gesture> Besides, I happen to know for a fact that you can't fit a plane and a pilot in the same suitcase. Now, if it was a wingless plane and a legless pilot, you might be able to get the zipper halfway closed, but that would be like robbing Peter to pay Paul, now wouldn't it? <gesture>"

Johann was right.

But, intrigued as I was, I couldn't just let a perfectly good question go unanswered.

I decided that if I couldn't leave the island, I could at least pack a few things to make my stay a little more pleasant. With this in mind, I came up with the following list of possibilities:

1. The Complete Works of William Shakespeare to use as kindling

2. Toilet Paper for obvious reasons

3. Green Day (and all of their musical accessories) to pick me up when I'm feeling blue

4. A dune buggy becuase dune buggies kick ass, I think. I've never actually seen one, but they certainly sound attractive...

5. A Do Not Disturb Sign to keep the damn buzzards out of my dune buggy

6. Johnny Depp for my own personal amusement

7. A Welcome mat for the bitchin' lean-to I plan to build using nothing but palm leaves and drift wood

8. The Chia Vegetable Garden for obvious reasons

9. a shirt that says "I'm With Stupid" to confuse the head-hunting natives into thinking that I haven't come alone, thereby reducing the chance that they'll select me as their next target

10. An alarm sundial because I tend to oversleep