The Life Of Me.

The Price We Pay

There's always those sayings that tell us that wherever there is pleasure, there is pain, and whenever there is great happiness, there will always be great unhappiness.

I'm starting to think there is some truth in these words. Most of the time, Martin and I are so, so happy. Sometimes so happy I feel as if nothing can stop me, or us. I love him so much. Yet, other times...the arguments are so bad. They're always over stupid stuff...but by the end of them, it has nothing to do with the original annoyance, but the way we've treated each other during the argument...I don't know why the way he talks to me hurts me so badly...but it just makes me want to give up.

I don't know if it's guilt. I have to admit that today I was stubborn. I refused to admit that I had a go at him about something (even though it was about him giving his ex his new number, which I found bizarre.). He said it was an accident...but it doesn't seem like one...but I have to trust him. He wouldn't lie to me would he? She's the one who helped him through his hardest times, maybe he can't let go of that yet. Maybe he can't let her completely exit his life...at least by having eachothers number they still have that connection...that comfort... or am I being stupid. I don't know. She only text him happy birthday...but I personally don't think she should have had his number if he doesn't want to talk to her again.

He was even spiteful enough to bring up the fact I texted Carl off my new number by accident once, so that was how he got it...It's not fair to avoid taking responsibility for what he's done by bringing up my past mistakes. Yes, I did text Carl. Why? Because I was worried about him. I still worry about him. I destroyed him. I got him drinking on his own, I took away all his friends, all his hope, all his happiness. It was my fault he was so depressed. And I don't doubt that he was depressed...I felt guilty. Whenever somebody's hurting, I always want to help, maybe it wasn't wise trying to help him...but I learnt that lesson. I cut him out of my life completely for Martin.

I almost broke up with him today. I got into my car and drove off. But I came back, only to get shouted at some more. I just don't know what's wrong with us lately. Maybe we've been spending too much time together, or maybe we're just not as compatible and perfect for each other as we first thought. I don't know. I'm confused. I know that it seems easier to just finish things. But I would not be happier.

I'm going to be honest, the way I feel about him is different. At first, I wasn't sure whether that was good. I feel whole because of him, I feel safe, yet I don't feel obsessed with everything he does. I worry...but I don't get obsessed or a bit psycho-g/f...which I used to do...I TRUST HIM. I find it hard sometimes, but I do. I love him so much. He's so different to anyone else I've met. I can't let him leave my life. I just hope that we can work things out because I do need him. He does make me a better person.

Meh. He's going to end up finishing me...Just watch this space...