Break the Cycle

Progress/Factor: Driving

I haven't had reason to be truly pissed off, but I have been through a rough time. I feel so broken, as one of the few truly therapeutic measures I've taken for my anger is temporarily not available. What is that? Driving. I love to drive, as it serves multiple functions when it comes to my anger. On emptier roads, speeding enables me to handle the adrenaline rages I sometimes get when I'm really livid. On any road, concentrating on the road diverts my attention from fixating on what has caused me to be so hopping mad. It also converts my hormonal energy into mental energy, enabling me to be more lucid (if nothing else) in my thinking. When I have my own car (whether owning or renting), I can get a grip. Without it, though...I'm a wreck. I'm not really angry right now, but I'm kicking myself for getting into this compound situation of a broken automobile and being in debt at the same time. It hurts me to know I brought this upon myself. I need no reminders of it. I can myself up over it quite nicely, thank you very much. Oddly enough, I'd love to drive even a rental just to relieve a little bit of the stress, but I can't even manage that I have so little money.

I know when I'm back behind the wheel I'll feel worlds better, and I realize it'll take some steps to get there. However, I'm so frightened, worrying when these steps will crumble beneath my feet and leaving me in an even bigger hole. How far will I keep falling, and how many more times will I kick myself for all the mistakes I've made to lead me to this hellish debacle? How many more pained tears will fall before my vision clears and this is all over? Having my car provides a way for me to cope with the frustrations in life by giving me a haven. Without it, I feel like I'm behind square one, in a childlike state of vulneranility. When I get kicked diwn now, I'll be caught between fight and flight. I will want so desperately to unleash all the pain on that person that doesn't give a fuck how lost and alone I feel, but I'm trying to avoid that. How will I face the things that torment me the most? How can I negotiate with them? How can I maintain my composure when inside I am shot to shit?