Break the Cycle

Factor: Co-Workers

As a whole, I actually enjoy working for a living. I feel like I'm accomplishing something significant, and money is always helpful. I will say I've been lucky thus far to generally make enough money to live a comfortable lifestyle, although there are always exceptions to that rule. My main contention point, though, has always been co-workers. It seems so mundane, but when it comes to my fellow employees, I can be a black-and-white bitch. Either I adore you or I want to rip out your entrails and feed them to some rapists. There's very little in between. Why is that? I honestly don't know. If I had to guess. I'd say it's because when it comes to teamwork, I'm not a natural at it. I have some difficulty working with others and tend to like to do things own. Plus, in work environments, it takes me a while to get over my shyness, as I try to balance keeping my superiors happy while taking initiative. So for a while, I'm distrustful of many, as I fear they're saying shit about me behind my back. When they get on my case about something, then I start the process of determining who will make my life miserable and who won't. Do I let these people make my life miserable? Indirectly. I will be the first to say I cannot assimilate into a work environment all by myself. I need help from my co-workers and superiors. When someone is harsh or annoyed in their criticisms and reactions, the assimilation process becomes that much more difficult for me. Oddly, in the workplace I am most sensitive. I can be damn insensitive and not give a damn in many situations, but working can breed a strange sense of self-consciousness. That said, co-workers have the potential to annoy me, frustrate me and occassionally betray me. Co-workers factor into all my triggers, and in the job-holding realm, they tend to be my most formidable opposing force. In fact, the only time I was ever fired from a job was due to getting into a loud argument with a co-worker who had negligible seniority and didn't care much for his job. Granted, I was not happy with this job and was in the process of seeking another source of unemployment. However, one little delay caused by this co-worker set me off in such a...violent way I was out of a job the next day. I've wondered for years if they wanted me out because I didn't fit in with the rest of the crew, a group of people so unlike me. Thing is, I did become friendly with some of the people there, and they were the reason I stayed as long as I did. I fear the same might happen in my current job, as my annoyance ebbs and flows, so my assimilation into this workplace doesn't feel stable. I fear pissing off my co-workers, but at the same time, the stress of dealing with diverse personalities that seem unwilling to acknowledge a shy female is a burden I'm uncertain how to handle. This is a bit of a quagmire for me, and I'm worried it will impair my ability to work later on in life.