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Top Ten, Again

Top Ten Things You Never Want To Hear On A Blind Date

10. "How do I want my steak cooked? I don't. In fact, if there's any way I can get it while it's still twitching..."

9. "Hold on a sec. That's my cell. I better take this call. Hello? Oh, hi Steve. Did you finish digging that hole? Good. Go ahead and start planting the explosives..."

8. "Yeah, the colostomy bag gets pretty annoying. But look at it this way. My, uh, "soldier" can still "salute" with the best of 'em, if you know what I mean..."

7. "So say that you were to be... oh, I don't know... accidentally beaten over the head with a tire iron and left for dead outside of this very restaurant. How much would your love ones rake in in life insurance benefits? 20 grand? 25? Of course, we're just speculating here, but..."

6. "Well, what most people don't know about the counterfeiting process is that..."

5. "What the hell are you doing? I said get into the backseat of the car! The cat ALWAYS rides shotgun! What are you, some sort of whack job? Geez..."

4. "Of course, that's just my day job. In my spare time, I like to fashion christmas tree ornaments out of freeze-dried roadkill."

3. "Ordinarily, yes, it would be murder. But, as I'm sure you recall from your history textbooks, when God tells you to off a group of ne'er-do-wells, it's called a crusade..."

2. "Don't worry, I brought an extra tinfoil helmet. Now remember, at exactly 4:17, we put on the hats, get under the table, and wait until the satellite has passed completely over this portion of the northern hemisphere..."

1. "But you've had a tetanus booster, right? What about the small pox vaccine? Good. Now, if you could just sign the waiver here... here... and here. Great! Oh, and if you could go ahead and write your blood type right beside your signature... you know, for legal reasons..."