Straight No Chaser

How Much

questions courtesy of tiger*girl.

1. "How much is too much?"

depends.

any swearing is too much in polite company; outside, more than one per spoken paragraph.

enough that it makes you painfully sore is too much sex(ual contact).

five ex-wives means you've had too much marriage.

"fourteen kids...and pregnant again!" is a perfect example of too much procreation.

three times a week is too much drinking.

anything that fools your neurotransmitters for recreation is too much drug use. same with anything chemically addictive.

seventh-year seniors have had too much school.

continuing after you're full is too much eating.

thirty percent of your skin space constitutes too much tattoo action.

a seven-year-old who knows the words to "my hump" but can't read has seen too much tv.

no such thing as too much strawberry shortcake.

these are all, of course, personal standards; i wouldn't expect any related excess from myself, my brother, my husband or any descendants. friends i can't control.

2. "What one law would you like to remove or alter, and what one non-existing law would you put into effect?"

hard one. at the risk of pissing somebody off, i have a serious problem with the average man's constitutional right to bear arms, which by definition can't directly cause anything but injury and death, and which statistically causes more violent crime than it prevents. plus, repealing it would undermine the entire basis for the nra, one of my absolute least favorite groups of people in the world.

(in trying to come up with an answer to this question, i searched this "dumb laws" website--one of the ones where they tell you that in oklahoma it's illegal to whistle christmas carols in between july and november, or whatever--and i found out that (a) in maryland it's illegal for a woman to search her husband's pants pockets while he's sleeping, and (b) in massachusetts any sex act where the woman is on top is prohibited. ahem.)

i don't know what law i'd add. i have always marveled at one fact--that there's no biological caveat that prevents absolutely crazy and undeserving people from reproducing. i guess i'd add a law that says that if you can't pass a basic readiness test (which, sadly, a great many of us wouldn't), you can be arrested for any occurrence of unprotected sex. i really think this would help a lot of people, and circumvent a lot of society's ills.

the readiness test would not vary from state to state. sorry. and it would cover not only basic things like criminal history and household income--no one making thirteen dollars a year need apply--but also one's ability to respond well to hypothetical moral dilemmas, to recognize the inherent humanity in every living human and to exhibit due respect for--and awareness of--divergent cultures.

oh, and you have to get your license reinstated eighteen times, once a year.

the end of child abuse! the end of racism! the end of people blaming their parents for their every problem, as the simple fact of their existence would prove the parents' qualifications!

well. people would still blame their parents for everything. but they'd look dumb doing it.

oh, and this test is composed by a representative microcosm of the nation. and i'm at the head of the task force.

i really, really like this idea.

3. "If there was any argument you had to have with Marcus every few days for the rest of your life, which one would it be?"

something pleasant. debating music really stimulates us both. if we had to argue about the same thing every week for the rest of our lives, i'd want it to be the relative beauty and appeal of various avant garde jazz staples, preselected, again, by me.

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