My True Soul

Lazy Hazy Sunday

Tomorrow I'm going to go to Manda's house. She left here at 5 p.m. on Friday and I do miss her. What the hell, right? It's not like a desperate need to have her around me, but, I just miss her company. Now, tomorrow, her family is doing a get together kinda thing to celebrate her birthday (it was on Thursday, the 2nd.)

I want to go because it'd be a chance to meet her family more so.

What? Yeah, I just said it. I want to know her better, I want to know her family.

Friday, during her Trig class, she wrote me a 2 page (front and back) note about some things that she was thinking. Much of was what needed to be said. Some of her fears. Her saying she thought we'd both let a lot go recently in fear of hurting the other's feelings. How if I had a problem with her, I needed to tell her, that she'd probably not get too upset about it, etc. I feel much better about everything.

I've written a reply, it's about 3 pages (front only) with tiny handwriting. I need to rewrite it. But, right now, I'm kinda sleepy. (Perhaps the alcohol kicking in? Yes, my mixture of pineapple and orange juice with banana rum.)

In my reply, I was honest.

I must try to remember that she does love me. In a way, she aggravates me... but only because I trust her so much and I'm not SUPPOSED to trust anyone that much.

February 5th, 2006
Today I went to her house in her hometown today. They were going to have cake at her sister's this afternoon and such, kinda of a late birthday celebration for Manda.

Now I really understand what it means to want to get married and have a family... why that can be such a fulfilling life. Without going on to achieve all the dreams that I want personally... why I could be perfectly happy with just having a normal job, not doing anything super wonderful, why just having a life like that could be so wonderful.

I have never felt that way before in my life. I never could grasp it. I never did get it. How could anyone just be happy with having a normal job, being married and having children? I never did belittle anyone who wanted that, cause, that's what they wanted, and if it made them happy, well, great! But, I never got it.

It amuses me that it took me seeing her sister, her family. And I guess, their set-up really isn't much different from my cousin Kim's. Her sister and Kim are actually about the same age, both have children, husbands that seem to be really wonderful, and such. But, I just never could see how that could be satisfying through Kim.... because she never tried. Ever. Neither did Dave. And it just seemed like they settled. It doesn't really seem that way with her sister.

And Manda typed me a message on my phone with something like "Can I order this for a future, just with a few cats?" I see it now, why it would be happy, why it would be fulfilling.

I mean, I REALLY see it.

Anyways.

I tried to talk to April this weekend... it really didn't go to well, lol. The phones were NOT happy about us talking. But, I enjoyed talking to her for a little bit.

Ty, Manda, and I all had this discussion about the Superbowl tonight and how stupid it was to actually have watched it. The Steelers were going to win, who didn't know this? Not that any of us really care. Ty's gay, and well, that's his excuse. I prefer basketball. I don't think Manda cares too much, but that she's more interested in baseball if she's going to care.

And we all set around watching the L word tonight. Stupid show! Gah! It's so.... merfk. All it does is annoy me now. It used to amuse me. It also makes me wonder why the hell we humans even BOTHER with relationships as they seem to be a very self-destructive habit.

So, in contrast to seeing today that I could have this family and such without feeling like I'm missing something.... I also saw someone who's accomplished some of the goals I'd love to do.
It's good to have someone to look up to, basically. And no, I don't want to experimental psychology... but I love the hell out of some Social Psychology.

Upon saying this, I do believe I'm about to go seeing how it's probably raining and I must trudge through it.... WITH MY LAPTOP.... and go home to get some sleeeeeeeep! Night!