Break the Cycle

Trigger: the female sex

I've mentioned my misogyny in my journal before, but I've never recognized it as an anger trigger until tonight. See, unlike frustration (which I'm having a hard time confronting for some reason), annoyance and ignorance, my misogyny has been more subtle and has not interfered as frequently with my self control. Ever since I graduated college, though, it's steadily gone downhill. Moving into an apartment shared wiith three other females has definitely exacerbated it. However, it never really flared up except when I'm under extreme amounts of stress. Well, recently my life has been a huge mess of stressors including sick relatives, changes at my job, financial problems, car troubles and a hectic school schedule. Having roommates who nag, ask asinine questions and are slovenly hypocrites doesn't help. The kicker, though...is being a mod. I can't go into detail, but I'll gave you the bare facts. The vast majority of mods are female. So, when there's a discussion, a fair amount of women are involved. And let's face it. Women love to complain no matter who, where or how they are. Bitching is very much a part of the day. Sometimes, though, it gets so out of control I feel they're losing sight of how to fix things, instead coasting on the bitching momentum. Hell, I've seen this in the preferreds' forum, and it pissed me off (although my reasons were a little different at the time). Point is, I can only handle X amount of bitching before I start going off, be it verbally or physically. Verbal aggression usually results in ranting (and oddly brief) journal entries or sometimes (if in physically being able to confront the person in question) yelling at the female and saying enough shit to make her break down in public. As far as physical aggression is concerned, I used to take it out on others. I once hit a girl in the back in sixth grade, and I managed to hurt her physically and emotionally. Back in those days, I gained a twisted sort of pride from being able to do that. Now, though, I look back on it...and feel numb, as though I know I fucked up and caused her to resent me with a shitload of emotion but at the same time still wanting to cling to a powerful accomplishment. Maybe its the misogyny talking there. Who knows? In any case, when faced with female bitching or fuck ups caused by a female, I usually take it out on myself physically. I'll hit myself, either using my fists (like earlier tonight) or other objects (including but not limited to computer monitors). Technically, this is self injury, but I rarely do this, and I refuse to draw my own blood in my injuries. I prefer just to bruise myself if i'm going to hurt myself at all. Usually, if I'm just stressed out to an extreme, I'll hit something in my car (poor Moby ), but I don't hit myself in any way unless a female is to blame for any part of my current stress. The only exclusions are female relatives and close friends. However, female classmates, co-workers and roommates are among the many types of females that will provoke me to go this far with my anger. I can do a semi-feasible job of handling general anger right now, but with misogyny-provoked anger, I have a feeling professional help will be needed, as i think it may actually be a mental disorder. Wouldn't surprise me with all the mental health problems in my family tree. Both sides.