Catching Idle Butterflies

Easy words, difficult practice

Though my thought processes on this subject took days to coalesce, somehow it’s now a jumble, all of it wanting to come out at once, my sense of chronology gone.

I’ll start at the beginning I suppose, and hopefully my mind will slow down enough to where it will make sense for you.

Wednesday, Wendy and I went out for lunch as we often do once a week. Sitting across from us were two women, one holding what looked to be a newborn boy. Wendy went all goo-goo saying, “I absolutely love babies.”

My reaction was more envious.

I then relayed to her Dave and I had been trying to have our own one year this month, and that I was getting a bit frustrated.

She scoffed and said, “A year isn’t that long.”

“I know, but I can’t help but be frustrated.”

I’m not near giving up, but I do have moments where my frustration and impatience get the better of me. I ask myself if Dave and I are wasting our time, that all our hopes are misplaced. Am I going to end up living the rest of my days regretting we waited too long to have children, that my prayers have been a waste of time, the signs I thought I received of God telling me we were doing the right thing only wishful thinking?

Then yesterday, I read this:

“Then Jesus said, ‘Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light.’” Mt 11:28-30

I skimmed over this passage, not thinking about those words and how they might relate to my life. My subconscious, however, seemed to be more interested, but didn’t let me know until later.

We’ve always been told to give everything to God, especially the things we cannot control. This is difficult for me, one of the downfalls of being independent and self-reliant. It prevents me from depending upon anyone, God included.

Sure, it’s easy to say I believe all things will happen in God’s time, that His plans are greater than mine. But my actions and my thoughts indicate my faith doesn’t hold up to my words.

Last night, I then understood the difference between hope and expectations. I don’t hope we will have a child someday. I expect to have it, if not now, soon, very, very soon – like tomorrow. This is what leads to disappointment and the temptation to give up hope.

I must not give up hope, but lay my expectations down at God’s feet. Perhaps then I'll gain some patience.