My True Soul

Holy Smokes!

I have numerous topics that I wanna talk about. I think I'll go with the thing that's happened just recently and backtrack through that.

I have Intro to Religion at 8 am on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I really don't care for the class, not because it's religion... because religions fascinate me. But I don't really care for the format of the class, if that makes sense. Well, after today, I have another reason not to care for the class. We decided to discuss whether the phrase "Under God" should appear in the pledge of allegiance. Ok, here's a good lesson to learn... talking about such a topic in an intro class at a southern university with people who probably have lil knowledge about the subject is NOT wise. Ok. That established, we now know that this particular discussion did not go well.

One particular point that Manda and I were just discussing was the majority/minority thing that happened in our class. Now, this girl was talking about how things are not equal among the races... i.e. pulling the race (read minority) card. It was amusing to Manda and I that just a minute ago, she was all about ignoring religious minorities, but then she was all for bringing out the fact that equal treatment among the races still does not exist. Amusing, no? I have numerous aspects about myself that are of a minority status. None of them are race, of course. However, just because my religious beliefs are not the majority, my sexuality is not the majority, my political beliefs are not the majority, etc., I will NOT let that be such a damn defining factor in my life. I am a human, treat me accordingly. That is the bottom f***ing line.

This also brings me to another point. Why the hell do people have to always focus on the differences? You're different than me, there's NO way you could be the least little bit similar. Bullshit. Common decency? Where has it gone? Respect for one another despite our differences? Agreeing to disagree? Realizing that we all are different is what makes us great? Since when were we expected to come out as carbon copies? I don't understand it. I really don't.

This debate that took place was loud, disrespectful, and just quite childish. It made me uncomfortable. I just sat and read Jack Handey stuff to keep from getting into it. Manda got into it... they laughed at one point she made... that really upset me. She and I essentially have the same religious beliefs. It's kinda nice. She says she's nothing... she respects all religions. I'm a Unitarian Universalist for those of you who do not know. U.Us? Yeah, it's all about respect and tolerance.

Last night... well... last night was interesting. Woo. Lots of stuff happened... worrisome and great... like the point of multiple orgasms... that was... wow. First time ever... and it was freakin' amazing!!! We had a lack of interest for about a week, we discussed that... it was really good to discuss it... and as a result I had the best orgasm EVER!!!!! That was a week ago now... I couldn't move after that one... I woke up several hours and STILL couldn't really move. I woke up in the morning to get ready to go to class and still felt sluggish... it was terrific!

Okay, sorry for all of you who might not have wanted to know that. I'm through, but, I just had to write about it... at least to record it, if for no other reason... and because it was just f***in' awesome and I haven't gotten to tell many people.

Valentine's day, yes. Or Single's Awareness Day as Manda's friend referred to it. It was really quite interesting. Things didn't really go as smoothly as I had planned. I had to go to the Dr. on Valentine's day... fun times. Was afraid I might have tonsillitis again. I don't. Woo.
Okies, so. I made Manda her own heart-shaped box of chocolate. Traditional, but not. I bought her a mixed flower boutique... it was really pretty. (She wouldn't have liked roses.) I'd bought one single rose, it had other purposes, but mother nature decided against that... but her room smells wonderfully. =) I got her Corpse Bride. (Romantic, but in a weird way. Thought about getting her The Crow... but perhaps later as a surprise gift.) Cute stuffed animals. Candlelight dinner - Lemon Parmesan Tilapia. She helped me cook it, it was really nice to do that together. Went out to see a Jazz trumpeter from New Orleans... Brice Miller... he was pretty good. Talented player. Made her a mixed CD of jazz music. Bought her a jazz CD by Kirk Whalum. Slow-dancing. It went pretty well upon reflection, lol.

So, that's what I did for her. I should cover the flip side. Let's see. Mine was spread out from Saturday until Valentine's day. Often, she'll read poetry to me, poems she likes, poems that fit the way she feels, poems that I liked. Well, she started taking these and putting them in a journal... it's still a work in progress. But... I cried like a lil baby... it was really sweet. And with so many of those poems, they bring back happy good memories. On Sunday she had the gay valentine fairy come see us and deliver another one of my presents. She bought me live purple tulips and they're HUGE!!!! I've never in my life seen tulips that big or healthy even. Then the next day, Monday, she gave me a play-doh fridge playset that I’d wanted since early January. I still haven’t gotten the chance to play with it yet. On Monday night, since I’d gotten sick that morning, she’d wanted to give me my Valentine’s stuff then, however… I was stubborn (as usual) and insisted that she wait until V-day. So, at 12:01 she put a stuffed frog into my arms. (He’s SO soft!) I’d already fallen asleep by that time and so she woke me up for a little bit and pointed out the candy that she’d gotten me. It’s a frog with a gummy bug inside, he’s cute too. =) And a card, of course. Of which I read in the morning. It was just as sweet as the others she’s given me over the last little bit. It’s been really nice to get things like that… it makes me feel so… I can’t describe it properly, but it’s a really really good thing.


*******Several Hours Later*******
I talked to my mom this afternoon. She’s really not that happy with me I don’t think. Credit card bills and such. So. Yeah. A lot of expenses that I haven’t been able to control. Contacts = $125. Books = $150-200. Battery for my car = $60. Groceries for the month of January along with new supplies for everything because I had hardly any money in my checking account. Several trips out to eat because they didn’t really give me much money over Christmas break to use. Merfk. Oh well. Going home this weekend and if I can get through it… then I’ll have put $1000 into my checking account. And I’ll get some cash from it. Therefore, I should be fine and not have to use credit cards except on some larger things like the future vet trips. Oh, additionally, whenever she had to call my cell phone, she made some snide comment about how she may as well just take my home phone out since she can never get me on it anyways. Blargh.

End of the conversation between my parents and I typically always ends in some form of “love you” blah blah blah, that happy crap, ya know. Not today. Of course not. She’s angry with me, so no showing of affection. That’s always bugged me. If I’m angry at Manda… I may not want to really talk to her, but I still want her to know I love her. That it hasn’t changed or that it only comes in conditions.

I have always felt that my parents’ love came with conditions. I have always doubted that someone just could love me without there being conditions behind it. Only recently have I been able to believe that someone could really love me without there being really anything hidden behind it. Maybe I’m stupid for that. Maybe I just really want to believe it. Whatever it is, this time, I’m actually believing it.

My parents are not the worst in the world. They’ve not even done that much stuff that’s wrong. But, there are so many little emotional issues I have with them. My mom would ask me if I believed that she and my father loved me unconditionally… I told her no. I don’t. If they found out numerous elements of my life, I don’t think they’d love me anymore… or not like they do now. It would really change and not really be considered to be representative of a family who loves each other.

Now though, I don’t do things for them anymore. And just because I may do something they dislike, no longer will I allow that to make me feel like such a screw-up. That, a screw-up, is something I’m not. If there has been one thing I’ve been learning is that I do have numerous qualities that really admirable. Important for me to learn, eh?

In other news, today, I got tested for several different STIs. The peeing in a cup of course went fine, I mean really, how hard can that get? HOWEVER, the taking my blood? No. That did NOT go so well. I’d gotten my blood taken on Tuesday, so my right arm was already bruised and couldn’t really be used. So the woman tries my left, no such luck. Okay… then she decides she’s going to try my left hand, she doesn’t stick me then… couldn’t find the vein for the 2nd time. Then it’s my right hand… she sticks it in there and gets a LITTLE blood, but it’s not coming out as fast as it should be… so she really just knicked the vein after DIGGING around under my skin. Ok, 3rd time… should work this time, right? No. She decides to try the area above my wrist. As she starts really digging around, it begins to REALLY burn… and finally, she takes it out after no luck. Now, I’m upset after this, just because, well, I don’t like being stuck and dug around in that much.
However, this may have all been worth it just to see the look of horror on the other people’s faces as I started to leave. =)