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My Kitty's Last Weekend

Desperately cold artic winter area flooded the north of Texas on Friday, February 17th. My afternoon consisted of going with my mom to my "house for sale," which has been on the market with not many lookers yet. I loved that house so much when I lived there, but now it feels so empty, lacking personality. Mom got me back to my new house in time for me to get out the rake, and collect the leaves in the front yard and back yard before dark fell. The cold seeped deeper into my skin after the sun went down. My thoughts came back to the cat, sleeping on the sofa, when I entered the house for the night.

When I'd awoken that morning, my kitty was the first thing on my mind. I've been sleeping on the sofa with her nights, since she's been under the weather the last week. Have been my comapnion for twenty years, we have a whole lot of comfortable mutual sleeping positions. She used to sleep on the bed with me, and she suckled on my hair sometimes during the nights and mornings when we shared my bed. Now, she sleeps on the back of the sofa, and I lay my hand and arm her direction, so I can feel her soft fur, and so that she knows I've there. She's got to be feeling really bad.

It was a month ago that I discovered she was flooding her litter box. Besides dampening the litter, she filled the box almost an inch deep with urine. I started keeping the box cleaner, then I found out that she wasn't going poop at all. She's been though so many little illnesses during our time together, I was hoping that the situation would correct itself with time.

It had been about a week and a half since I'd seen poop in the litter box, when I finally tooker her to the vet. "Nellie" got a thorough looking over, with x-rays and bood, and urine to send to the lab. The vet even cleaned the kitty out as far as she could reach with a small gloved finger. That was last Wednesday. Despite two kinds of laxative, the kitty can't go. Her urine output has drastically decresed the past few days. The only thing "Nellie's" got going for her is her apetite. Even the vets said she didn't know shere the food is going, and to beware if she starts throwing up. "Nellie's" diagnosis is kidney failure.

It's taking me awhile for the diagnosis to set in. This is a termnal disease. This is an occassion where humans are allowed to put pets out of their misery, before Goad gets around to it.

I felt animosity all day Friday to my mother. I interoreted her actions and comments in a way they weren't especially meant. I had told her I wanted one more night with "Nellie." Friday morning, "Nellie" was her usual self (except for her urinary and digestive systems). Mom's comments made mw feel like she was encouraging me to go ahead and do it, put her to sleep, and she would drive me in the afternoon. All I could say Friday morning was that is wasn't time yet.

The weekend has been cold. "Nellie's been sleeping, eating some, but she did even go to her cat box today. I read several articles from a dogpile search on "kidney disease in felines." I won't let myself slip into feeling badly about her because I can't afford $5,000. for a kidney transplant. When the patient is terminal, and all the cost of treating comes out of the descretionary budget, I have to made myself focus on logic, and not let my heart rule my thoughts and actions.

We could prolong her life, but all the options are expenses that I don't really have money for.

In one moment, ridden with guilt, I said to myself, "She doesn't need to be put to sleep. She's still walking around and eating." After a few hours of repeating that mantra, it broke. I know she's full of poop, and it seems like her renal system and digestive systems have just about quit being able to do their functions.

But when she lays next to me on the sofa, she's as soft as she ever was--probably softer becuase I've been brushing her. She likes it, so I want to add pleasure to her life as long as I can.

Saturday, I spent the afternoon watching TV, then drifting off to sleep with "Nellie." The temperature outside didn't get above 26 degrees today. "Nellie" loves to bask in the sunshine, but there was none for her today. She did have the chicken picked out of homemade chicken soup, and sliced or chopped so that she can get it down her throat safely. You see, over the years, she's lost all but three of her teeth. I need to realize my best companion of the past twenty years is leaving be because she's sick.

Every time I pass her, I give her a hug and a kiss. Earlier, I gloved a little finger, got out the Vaseline, and attempted to do what the vet did to clear her out some. "Nellie" wasn't comfortable with me playing doctor, or I wasn't. At this point I feel like I've done just about all I can to keep her going. She's going to start vomiting when her gut fills up with food, and it can't go down. Neither one of us wants to go through that.

So today, I think that I'll take her to the vet to be put to sleep on Monday. In the meantime, we can share sleeping space and a tall glass of milk. That's the best one could offer for any companion. And we have one more full day to enjoy our relationship. I want to keep her ears warm, even though the fireplace is turned on to keep the room warm. This gives my hands a way to love her, even after I fall asleep.