Marv's Mind

THE ELIMINATOR

That's right...I'm the fucking eliminator.

Yesterday afternoon my brother called to see if I'd keep my niece and nephew so he and Emily could go out to dinner with some co-pastor dude and his wife. Not a problem. While I was there picking all the little rug rats up, Zoo called and said he was running late and could I go pick up Zach. Not a problem. I arrive at the high school and pick up not only Zach but his friend Chad. They needed to go to KFC to talk to the manager and turn in an application. Not a problem. I had 2 teenage boys, a pre-teen diva, a yappin 4 year old and a tiny 7 month old bundle of needs. Not a problem. I toted their asses across town, dropped off one of the boys and made it home without pissing my pants. A 40 oz soda can reek havoc on your bladder. Not a problem.

This is where it gets kinda hairy. Yep, there's hair involved. Lots of fucking hair!

I was putting Baby Emma down night-night at the same time Nate is screaming "I need some help for wiping!" and Stephanie tells me she has lice and Zach‘s bitch‘ about having to do the dishes. LICE! I started yelling for her to just stand in the bathroom and don't move. I yelled for Zoo to come watch Emma and I ran to wipe Nate's shity ass. Not a problem. I joined Stephanie in the bathroom and performed the standard lice check. Yep! She had them. Nasty little bastards. My flesh was crawling and I wanted to rip my skin off!

I'm never a well prepared woman but this time was an exception, or so I thought. I had lice furniture spray, 4 lice combs and lice shampoo on hand, at my disposal. Damn, I'm good! I made Stephanie lather up and sit for 10 minutes with that shit on her head. All the while I'm thinking that the shampoo is like acid to the little lice and it's eating them alive and they're dying right this very fucking second. I know I should be concerned about my daughter's scalp, and I was, but I was more worried about if I was going to get her cooties. (Have you every seen lice? They’re gross. They are this smoky translucent flea looking crab thing.)

Whatever…It was time to comb. My daughter has some think ass hair and combing wasn’t fun for either of us. I combed and combed and combed and came up with 8 live lice. LIVE! Not dead…alive! I combed for an hour! We washed clothes, sheets, hats, blankets and anything else we could think of.

I read the shampoo bottle a little later and was able to narrow it down to two reasons why the lice might not have died.

1. It say to apply shampoo to dry hair…and we did not.

2. Expiration Jan 2005


I’m home today to kill any/all bugs and provide additional lice treatments to my daughter and her infestation. I also plan on calling the little girl’s mother who spent the night over here this past weekend to tell her, your daughter is dirty and gave my tiny baby princess LICE! I will eliminate all evil!

What does one learn from all this! Birth control and lots of it! I had 4 times the normal dose last night.

-Marv-