Catching Idle Butterflies

Shining light into the Dark

It’s in our darkest, most despairing moments that God’s light shines the brightest.

I know this from experience, because that light came to me once, illuminating the man who would eventually become my husband.

But in order for you to understand how I came to love and appreciate Dave as much as I do, I must share with you the why. For when Dave came into my life, I was half-way through living my year and a half in Hell.

I don’t think much about this time. Much of what happened has been buried away deep into my psyche, so deep it may never be remembered. It’s not that it was so terrible I ached to forget and succeeded in doing so, but it served as the impetus for the life I lead now. I don’t need to remember all the little, terrible details. The big ones, yes, because if not for that time, I would not have met Dave, let alone marry him. This little Hell served to show me the type of man I wanted and needed in a husband and that Dave was that man.

How can I have regrets if that’s the end result?

Pause.

Remember what I said earlier about opening the door naked? This is one of those times where I thought I was, but then looked down and realized I’m still fully clothed. It’s not that I just lied about having no regrets, because it is true. My hesitation comes from exposing what a weak, naïve person I was for getting myself into this situation to begin with. My sense of pride cringes at the very idea, and is at this moment telling me to shut up. I know none of you will think less of me. It’s because I know you won’t think less of me I’m even considering revealing this part of my life.

And I have as yet been unable to shake the need to tell this story ever since I started reading Solitary Man ’s blog and how he recounted his own dark past. I don’t know how this will affect me or anyone else; I have no motive other than to satisfy the need to write it down.

I’m not sure how I will approach this yet. Do I simply dive right in, each entry being little chapters as chalaedra is now doing with telling the story of her husband’s death? Or do I set it up like Cassie Reynolds about the birth of her children, having each chapter be a part of her daily entry, adding other, present day stories or thoughts along with it?

Or do I come up with something else entirely?

I’ll let you know the moment I figure it out.

P.S. Thank you all for your comments yesterday! I just hope my head didn't grow so large I won't be able to get out the door!