Catching Idle Butterflies

Emotional vampire

Those are the two words my sister used to describe our biological father a few years ago. I had to admit, she was right on the money.

I always knew, even as a child how weak-willed he was. Judging from the women he dated and the one he eventually married, he never felt his life was complete unless he had someone to love him, to feed his emotional needs. He would grab and hang onto anyone who showed the slightest interest in him. Hence the term vampire. Margaret being older saw this long before I did.

This was also why neither one of us sought him out after the last time we saw him over fifteen years ago.

And yet, knowing all this, I felt a sudden need to contact him last year. I couldn’t help but look at the situation from his perspective. Did he think his daughters wanted nothing to do with him, that we hated him?

This was far from the case. I had no negative feelings toward him whatsoever. I didn’t blame him for whatever happened. I didn’t know other than he didn’t pay as much attention to us as he should have. Everything, his entire life was all about him. Whether he felt tied down with two young girls, I really don’t know. I don’t even care, not then, not now.

We tried to redevelop a relationship with him several times over the years, but his wife, Marilyn, a controlling, and extremely jealous woman sabotaged each attempt. Yes, she was jealous of her husband’s two daughters. She feared we would take our father away from her, as if he could only love one person at a time. If I hold any grudges against anyone, it’s her. Then again, our father could have defended us, but he didn’t. He simply didn’t have the inner strength to stand up to her.

After Marilyn wrote Margaret spouting the most hateful things, Mom made the decision he and Marilyn could no longer have any contact with us. While hurt, Margaret and I didn’t complain. We both felt it was the right thing to do.

Fast forward twenty years.

So with this new desire on my part to contact him, I performed an internet search. I had heard by this time he and Marilyn had divorced, but my search indicated they hadn’t. Oh well. I still copied down the address with the intent to write a letter letting him know I held no ill-will toward him.

Then the address disappeared. I have no idea what happened to it, but it was gone. I looked everywhere; it was not to be found.

I then decided perhaps the time wasn’t right after all to try to contact him.

Life went on as normal until six weeks later I received a letter from him. Coincidence? You be the judge.

In it was exactly what I had expected, except for the part that he and Marilyn indeed got a divorce. Every time Margaret and I had heard from him, he was full of nothing but apologies for all his mistakes.

This letter was no different, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and sigh in frustration. I wrote him back stating quite emphatically (although I was diplomatic about it) the time had come to let go of his guilt. I held nothing against him, so there was nothing for me to forgive.

He also expressed his desire to keep in contact, and I let him know I didn’t have a problem with that, more for his sake than my own. I can live without him, but I still believe he should get to know at least one of his daughters. Margaret has forgiven him as well, but refuses to develop a relationship with him. I don’t hold that against her.

We’ve been emailing each other ever since, but I’m also keeping a close eye on him as far as his emotional state. I don’t want to become a victim of his vampirism only to be sucked dry.

He so far seems more mature and comfortable in his own skin then when I last saw him. He doesn’t seem to be nearly as needy. He’s taking very small steps toward building a relationship, careful not to push me. Before sending a book or a gift, he asks first. He has yet to call me by phone or ask to come visit.

However, I did receive an email from him the other day asking if Dave and I would like to come to visit him and his new wife. “If it’s too soon, that’s okay,” he added, “and I hope I haven’t gone too far by asking.”

I haven’t responded yet, but my answer will be no. I don’t mind him asking, but he’s right. It’s too soon. I don’t know him well enough to see him face to face just yet.

Trust is earned, not given.