Zee Blog

Hey.

Not sure what to write about. Just wanted to put something down before I went to bed tonight.

I'm being a bad kid. I fucked my DSL modem on accident and I have to wait for a replacement install disc from Qwest. The reason I'm being a bad kid is because I'm using a network of someone here in the apartment complex. It's okay, I don't eat much.

I don't know if I can really thank Cas enough for her support this last week. She's listened to me whine, bitch, and cry for hours on end and somehow she has found the time to make sure to give me another month subscription and give me a merit badge. Thank you cutie, you've helped me keep afloat.

I bought a couple Buddhism books today. For some reason they just cried out to me from the bookshelf of Border's "Eastern Thought" section. One's a book of meditations on difficult emotions, and another one is about practical Buddhism in every day life. So far, both have been very enlightening.

I would love to sit here and lie to you all. Tell you all that I don't miss April. It's so untrue though that even through text my lie would be as visible as a white sheet of paper trying to hide a blood stain.

Today was the day I finally broke down over the whole thing. Not a single tear had been shed since our final seperation.

It wasn't until I was talking with Cas. I was talking about April, and how I hope that she stears her life towards a better direction. How I sit here dreading the idea that she is leaving me just to finish herself off. Everyone else in her life is so willing to overlook all of the negative signs. Every single one of them. The better think that as long as she is temporarily happy it can't be that bad.

I hope she can wake up from her nightmare.

Sometimes I think our relationship must seem like a moment of insomnia. A moment neither awake nor asleep. Simply a period to think about all that sleep you're missing.

I dread going to work tomorrow, because I'm going to see her there. She'll be smiling, joking, laughing with her friends while I sit at my desk frowning, sighing, and trying to make sure they don't see the tears build up at the ducts.

Life is to hurt. Otherwise, we wouldn't know we're alive.