Zee Blog

Buddha is as Buddha does.

I read my meditations book today. I swear that thing was written for me, for this exact moment in time.

I thought a lot about it today, and I sent a message to April. I apologized for cussing her out the other night. I even put out an invitation for a friendship.

The book just got me to thinking about my last relationship with Marne. It took me so long to get over her, and I think a lot of the reason behind it was because I was so adamant at hating her. I would try to find any reason possible to hate her.

I was beginning to do that with April, and the harder I pushed for me to just hate her, the harder my mind pushed back to realize what I was doing.

Trust me, it isn't easy. She came to work today with two of the biggest fucking hickies on her neck from her brand new MySpace girlfriend. Met her fucking on-line. This is what I was swapped out for. Oh well.

In those books one thing just screamed truth at me: it's just too hard to hate.

I'm tired of it. Tired of being angry. I can live with sad. I can live with not getting what I want. I can't, however, live with being angry.

It just eats me up body and soul.

I started a little splurge tonight...just kind of popped out after I finished writing that letter to April and thinking about today in general.

Working title: 3skp

“How the fuck does she read this?” James asked himself as he threw his borrowed copy of Buddhism for Dummies to the bed.

“Just imagine nothing matters. Imagine that the world is nothing more than a flowing river. Jesus fucking Christ, I imagine I’d enjoy hanging on a damned cross over having to listen to Buddha ramble on and on about the fact that nothing matters.”

James hunched himself over his desk, his elbows pushing his keyboard further up the desk causing trash to fall behind it like one of those chance games at Peter Piper Pizza.

“So basically, if the Buddha had his way, I’m simply supposed to forget that I work at a job with my ‘ex’ girlfriend, who now happens to be a lesbian, who now happens to have half the office raised in arms against me, who is also fucking some girl in my friend’s car while he does nothing to really stop the whole affair.”

Two sympathetic red eyes stared at him from under his bed.

“Sorry, Cameron. Didn’t mean to wake you up.”

James rolled his chair over to the bed, placing his hand underneath the falling blankets to pull out his ferret, Cameron. His coat was the color of his blank apartment walls, a shining white that did little for his room, but made James love his furry companion even more. He picked him because he stood out from all the others both physically and personality wise.

“What do you think I should do? Should I assume you don’t exist?”

Cameron yawned.

“I suppose I bore you too unless I have a treat. Not that you can hear my anyways,” James whispered to himself. An often unknown fact about albino animals - they tend to be deaf, or so his veterinarian said.

Cameron skittered away as soon as his pink little feet touched the floor. James watched after him for a moment, wishing that he could just run away and sleep somewhere. Somewhere someone would take care of him.