Zee Blog

What the fuck? No really, what the fuck?

Well today was the final brush stroke on a grotesque mural.

Today my 'ex' pulled me outside to tell me something that had been bothering her. She sits me down and says, "I need to tell you something, but I don't want this to ruin a friendship." My first thought? "Fuck."

"Okay, well," she starts off, "Shauntae and I have really strong feelings for one another, and we want to be together."

Shauntae is, was, one of my best friends. We had become great friends over the past couple of months. We met at my previous job, and I was friends with her longer than I was even dating April.

Over the past couple of days I have leaned on Shauntae. She has been my friend, and constantly she has told me that she couldn't believe what April was doing to me. How she thought that was incredibly fucked up. Last night she told me she was actually going to stand up to April and tell her she couldn't believe what she was doing to me because of her finding some girl on MySpace. Fuck it, I ain't going to be nice right now: some dyke. Actually, her MySpace name is "HornyDyke". She was the girl responsible for the hickeys.

Today, it makes a lot more sense. She wasn't so pissed off about how she was treating me, but pissed off because she didn't get there first.

I went upstairs afterwards. I just stood up after that and said I had to go back upstairs. I went into the bathroom and threw up. I couldn't keep my lunch down. I couldn't think straight. Anger was making me shake, I wanted to hit everything in my sight. I could hardly keep myself from just breaking down into a raging beast a la the Hulk.

I grabbed my stuff, told my supervisor I was sick and had to cut out early.

I stopped at Shauntae's desk, put my hand on her chair so she would turn around and I just told her, "Make her happy." Then I walked out. Left. Nothing else said. Nothing else done.

I came straight over to my parents house. I didn't know what else to do. I called my mom, my dad, anyone that I could get ahold of. I talked with Cas, with my roommate, anyone that could listen and I just cried.

I punched the solid oak desk of my parents(very un-buddhist like) and I think I might have put a fracture in my left knuckle. For some reason, that felt good.

I have now filled an ash tray with cigarettes. I bought a pack today and went through every single one of them.

I've constantly asked myself today, "What the fuck have I done to deserve this? Why are people like this? Why would they take someone's heart that has done nothing but tried to help them and burn it to ash, like so many cigarettes I have done tonight?"

I have decided to put in my resignation there at work. I just can't be stuck in an office with them. The betrayal has gone too far and I just couldn't live with it. It would eat and fester at my heart and eventually I would be sunk into the depression I was in a couple of months ago. Or worse.

I wish I was still in Karate. I miss it right now. I want nothing more than to go Spar. I want to get my ass kicked and kick ass. I want to push myself to exhaustion. I want to get all of this aggression out.

I want to stare a white belt down and dominate them. I want to get in close and slam every hit I can home. I want them to get angry with me, I want them to swing wildly back. I want to feel their hits slam into any spot I'm too careless to guard. I want to go home hurting, bruised, tired, and satisfied.

For just one night I want to make the world suffer for every second I've had to. I want someone to return that back to me ten fold. I want to give every ounce, every strand, every piece of flesh and sinue.

I want the world to die, and I want to be the one responsible.

If Darth Vader existed, I would come to the Dark Side in a second. I would force choke every dumb son of a bitch that came my way.

Every snide look. Every demeaning look. Every fake laugh. Every fake smile.

All whiped off the faces of the stupid jack ass that invoked my rage.

Fuck, I'm sorry guys. This is rage unchecked in my mind.