Straight No Chaser

Pithy One-Liners

1. has the world really changed that much since 9/11?
the world is always changing.

2. do you think the diary of anne frank is genuine?
fourteen-year-olds tend to miss things.

3. if your best friend's partner was bisexual, would you approve?
who cares who he likes, as long as he's faithful?

4. if satan walked up to you on the street and offered you barbecued chicken, would you accept his gift?
i don't know many people who practice taking food from strangers.

5. would you say that your country is liked by the rest of the world?
absolutely not.

6. do you feel like the majority of the world is ignorant?
yes, but in most cases, not for want of trying.

7. do you help control anger by writing songs, poems, etc.?
i don't experience anger very often.

8. do you view bandanas as gang symbols?
well, they are, sometimes.

9. do you need to "clean up your act"?
no, but i do need to clean up my room.

10. do you have a celebrity crush?
beyond that, i think i would fuck johnny depp in a heartbeat.

11. are you a good storyteller?
i'm a great storyteller when there are coconuts involved.

12. are your computer speakers usually turned on?
except when i'm playing tetris.

13. do you have a life dream that no one else knows about?
you'd have to really not be paying attention not to know every intricate wrinkle of my life dream.

14. do puppies melt your heart?
puppies crap on furniture; babies melt my heart.

15. do you think that someone who doesn't drink alcohol AT ALL is weird?
what an ignorant question.

16. are you a racist scumbag?
no, but i'll be interested to see who takes this survey, and answers this question wrong.

17. if you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
seems like you've wasted everyone's time, no?

18. do you think americans are scared of change?
instinctively i'd say less scared than most, but that's probably not true.

19. are vegan diets healthy?
yeah, but i probably wouldn't put a child on one.

20. do you enjoy watching shows that deal with forensics?
pretty much all of them do, nowadays, and i'll never love another show as much as i loved "the x-files."