Catching Idle Butterflies

Fraud

Nada was the first to ask for the passkey to "Invalid Item"  and afterwards encouraged me to place it in my blog because it’s a part of me and you all want to get to know me. chalaedra also looked at it and encouraged me to do the same.

While I don’t disagree and I have considered it, the very idea nonetheless terrifies me. And I don’t use that word lightly.

Even as I type this I’m in tears and my hands are freezing and shaking because of that fear.

What about that item terrifies me so? It’s not the words themselves or even the subject as a whole. It’s exposing my vulnerabilities, my faults, my tendency toward insanity for all to see – and judge.

While my mind and even my heart know you won’t judge me, I can’t get past this irrational terror of being judged, to be abandoned because I have disappointed you. But courage is defined by moving forward in spite of our fears, and I do want to be brave, to no longer be held captive. As a first step, I’ve removed the passkey so anyone can read it.

I’m a fraud. Everything about me you think you know is a façade, so you may never know just how sensitive, hurtful, vindictive, spiteful, and malicious I really am. Hell, right now I’m thinking I’ve gone too far already lest you might think I’m pulling your heartstrings so I can get some sympathy, even pity. Not true. I’m trying to reveal why I am who I am as a statement of fact, as an explanation. I don’t want pity or sympathy, understanding perhaps, but that’s it. I ask you to keep that in mind as you read further.

You might remember my earlier post describing my father as being an emotional vampire, of how he had no sense of purpose, of being worth something until he had someone to love him.

Some things are hereditary.

I was born generous to a fault, born with the desire to love unconditionally, to give everything that I am to anyone who would give me the remotest chance to be loved unconditionally in return. I was also born sensitive. If I saw someone cry, I would also cry. If I saw someone joyous, I would share in that as well. Anger, hate, contempt those I didn’t understand. But when directed toward me, I was devastated. I would work ever harder to change that, to make people love me again.

The succeeding entries will be all the instances in my life that taught me never to reveal my feelings or innermost thoughts. To do so is to show weakness and allow people to hurt and take advantage of me, especially to those who claim to love me. I’ve learned to be extra cautious around them, because they can inflict the most pain.