Bloggin' Umholtz

Road Trip to the Hospital

Greetings and salutations bloggers. This is Joe's son, Michael, Chairman of Wildlife, Vicar of Vegetation, and temporary Baron of the Blog-u-verse. I just wanted to update you all on Joe's condition. I went to Pittsburgh today with my mother to visit him in the hospital. When we arrived we ate some fabulous cafeteria food and proceeded to the gift shop to get him some presents. We purchased him a balloon, a stuffed frog, and I also got him a copy of the Weekly World News. Its always good to stay on top of current events even if you are stuck in the hospital. When we arrived in his room, he was sleeping peacefully, and drooling on his pillow which was encouraging because he basically sits around and drools all day at home. Things were looking up. He was even holding down food ok which was great because the surgery caused nausea. Joe didn't have his reading glasses so I took it upon myself to read him some current events from the Weekly World News. Apparently, scientists have discovered compelling evidence that the reason aliens abduct cows is because they suffer from a calcium deficiency. This also explains why it is very hard to milk an alien. I also read him a heartwarming story about a young biologist in Vermont. Throughout her childhood years she had seen many poor snails crushed to death on the pavement. So, as an adult she became a specialist in animal cross-breeding and was in a perfect position to do something about this injustice. She took it upon herself to breed snails with cheetahs, creating an adorable hybrid known as the "Sneetah." The Sneetah was capable of reaching speeds in excess of 60mph and was virtually impossible to step on. However the Sneetah inherited many behavioral characteristics from Cheetahs. The Sneetah stalks its prey from a distance selecting old and injured animals. The Sneetah then gives chase and attempts to bring down its prey. Unfortunately the Sneetah lacks the powerful jaws, razor-sharp claws, and size of a Cheetah. The intrepid little Sneetah only manages to annoy its prey with high pitched squeals and a trail of goo as it repeatedly rams its small, striped, shell-covered body into its confused victim. Eventually the Sneetah is crushed to death by its prey 9 times out of 10 bringing us back to square one. However the biologist hasn't given up yet. She is currently working on a project to breed a snail with a gorilla(Snorilla), which theoretically should offset some of the snail's evolutionary disadvantages. After I filled Joe in on the happenings in the outside world, we were informed that we should take him for a walk and see how his balance was. We agreed, and Joe was sedated and catheterized for the adventure. My mother had to hold his hand but he did very well. We walked up and down the hallway and he had no adverse reactions. He was quite a bit faster than a snail but didn't quite measure up to the Sneetah. His only complaint was that his butt hurt. Apparently there was some mishap in surgery and it got a crack in it. Perhaps they can stitch it back together. We took Joe back to his room so he could rest his butt, and he was very tired. We tucked him into bed with his stuffed frog and after a tearful goodbye, headed home. We expect Joe to be home Friday or Saturday of this week, so I would think the next blog entry should be coming from him within a few days. Until then, I hope I have been informative and a worthy overseer of the blog.

-Michael