Catching Idle Butterflies

Unfounded fear and fear of change.

I received comments from my mentor for my last assignment last night, but didn’t have the courage to open it until this morning. I knew he would be critical of the two lessons, the second one especially. I thought it was terrible. Plus, I felt I cheated a little on both. (Is there such a thing as “a little” cheating? Or is it more like being “a little” pregnant?)

The first one I had to write a two-page synopsis of a story containing three acts. I tried to write one based on the story I attempted for March’s WriMo, but not even ¼ the way through the story, I had 3½ pages.

Running out of time, I cheated and used the synopsis I wrote for my novella “The Detestable” because that was just over two pages.

For the second lesson, I was supposed to write a synopsis for a familiar bible story, fairy tale, anything I wanted.

I again cheated and rewrote an outline I had written for a previous lesson based on a story in the Book of Acts. I simply couldn’t think of anything new to write . . . actually I was too lazy to think of anything new!

Here’s what my mentor said about the first lesson.

Act I: Sounds interesting. Is this scifi?

Act II: Good movement here. I think this sounds like a solid plot so far.

Act III: Could be good. The gay issue is going to be a hard one to get past the editors. Christian publishers still don't know how to handle the whole gay thing, and it makes many fine novels rejectable. Is there a reason she has to be gay?

To answer his question, yes. But I’ve already given my reasons in a previous entry, so I won’t bore you with them here. (If you don't know or need a refresher click on "Chicken" )

For the second lesson, my mentor said this: Good breakup of scenes. Is this something you'd like to write? Your synopses are very well-written and done excellently. If you can bring the same terseness and clarity to something you really want to write, you'll do well.

Just goes to show my fears are not always well-founded, and I do get tired of it.

Onto another subject . . . sort of.

I’ve also mentioned before my body does strange things when I’m stressed, specifically eczema and hives. While the eczema has normalized (though I still have a patch on my calf), the hives have increased, especially on my hands. But starting three weeks ago, something strange keeps happening to my top lip. No, it’s not the involuntary Billy Idol impersonation (though I think I’d prefer that). It keeps swelling up. First it hurts as though I bit down hard on it, then it tingles and swells. It only happens right before I go to bed, and yet it’s still slightly swollen when I get up in the morning. Usually by noon the next day, my lip is back to its normal size. Luckily it doesn’t happen every day. Four times so far, including last night.

It’s not so bad you can tell from a distance, but it is noticeable. Last time it happened, everyone at work noticed and asked me about it. I at first thought it was due to allergies, but when taking allergy pills makes no difference, I realized it has to be nerves.

I have been uber stressed lately, and it wasn’t until this morning I realized why. I hesitate to write it down, because it’s such a silly thing to be stressed about. But I’m such a high-strung personality, I need things to worry about. I always say if I had nothing to worry about, something’s wrong.

It all began when we bought Rufus (this is the truly embarrassing part). What about taking care of a dog would stress me out? First, because I need to take care of something that depends solely on me. I know it’s just a dog, not a human being, but I can’t help but worry I may screw up somehow.

Plus, I can no longer do the things I want to do. Rufus loves to get into things, and she has to be watched constantly. I can no longer plug in my earphones and write, because turning my back for three seconds and she’s into something she shouldn’t. (As an aside, she is growing so fast! When we brought her home three weeks ago now, she weighed 11 lbs. She now weighs over 20! How’d that happen? We can’t have fed her more than 12 lbs of food, and I know she’s pooped at least 15! Shouldn’t that be impossible from a physics standpoint? How can an animal gain more mass when it’s taking in barely as much and poops out more than that?) I knew our lives would change by having a dog, but I didn’t realize how uncomfortable I would be in making that change. Have I become so old, I’m adverse to any change?

That’s the main reason I’m stressed. Dave and I are trying to have our first child, and if a dog has caused this much inner turmoil, what will happen when a little human being, who needs even more care and love than a dog comes along?

I can’t help but fear I shouldn’t have children. I’m too old and too set in my ways to make such a drastic change in my life, and ultimately to the detriment of the child as well as my own mental and physical health. I admit for the last few months, I’m relieved when I discover I’m not pregnant.

And yet, when the relief subsides, the dream is still there, as strong as ever.

Will this confusion never end?