L'aura del Campo

What do we merit? 'My name's Ice'

SPRING: 12 Jalál (20 April)

Argh! No more merit badges please . I've reached my favorite number, 22, and I'd like to savor it for a day or two !

Many thanks to AL and andrew for two wonderful badges yesterday. I am honored to be in your thoughts.

Weather where I am: 72º and sunny

Weather where partyof5dj is: 63º and Spring!

Weather where vivacious is: 60º and waiting for the lilacs to bloom.

And of course, lest I forget:

Weather where AL is this night: 38º (maybe 50º tomorrow?)

Sweltering where Andrew is: 87º

What do we merit?

I think this is a legitimate question. Too often we think that we get what we deserve or are hurt when we don't get what we 'know' is ours. I would suggest that the answer is not that easy.

My parents loved me as a child. That isn't to say that I always understood why they did what they did. Nor to say that my mother's denial of anything unpleasant was good parenting, or her refusal to share secrets that I need to know to heal is excusable. Understandable yes ... maybe.

My father died in 1999. What is sad was what wasn't said. I'm almost certain that I was not the son he expected. And my aversion to his pipe, cigar smoke and belt as a child drew a rift between us that I'm sure was unintentional. I could always see his good qualities. I just didn't share nor understand them.

As an adult I understand better. And even see ways I resemble my parents. But make no mistake, I was and continue to be different. I see myself more in my grandparents.

So did I merit love from my parents? Do they in turn merit mine? Is merit the right word and am I asking the right question?

Perhaps not.

I don't feel I merit the shunning I feel from some former friends. I also don't merit the kindness and generosity that many have shown me over the years.

Even merit badges here ... do I merit them ? Hmmmm ... who cares! They are welcome gifts. And I must graciously accept them whether I merit them or not.

Perhaps the wisdom is to not worry the question too much. To be grateful that there are those that care, that there have always been those that care. Just as I care for many, many people in my life ... whether they merit my care or not. Whether they ever acknowledge my gifts or not.

Love has little to do with merit.

SENSED

Shoe in the alley way, dangling from the overhead wires; shiny softness of new grape leaves; tight grape buds; grape tendrils elegant in line and reaching ...; plum-colored red-bud leaves; catkins of the oaks; dead oak branches; bouncing bet; red quince flowers hidden among the leaves; the Kentucky coffee bean trees first blooms; fragrance of the lily-of-the-valley that I pick and place in my pocket; dappled shade.

Managed to interview three more people today with Arnell. Each person has a story, skills, strength. Our goal is to encourage them to become who they are meant to be. Most are stuck at the moment. Arnell is there to unstick them. I'm there to learn how, and maybe help.

QUOTABLES

"I have a new record out and you can find it at the ... police department," Guitar Dave at lunch.
"Pigs have died to give birth to Peeps," Kami regarding the Easter cany.
"It just depends on the availability of the material. Dumbbells are easy to come by, but most of them are married," Rue McClanahan re weightlifting and sex. (from on-line, I don't remember the source)


I did my "Tea at Three" again. Not many people there. Saw Richard and Ryan, of course. But where were Kylie, Allyson, Jo-dan, Douglas? Did get to see Rocío, Davíd, and Ingi.

I'm a bit behind in my writing and need to catch up with my editing. A sketch from April 10th.:

My name's Ice


I am Ice,
the pearly essence that glides beneath your feet:
thick, I last till spring;
thin, I break.
I'm cruel and black and beautiful at dawn's first light.
'Smooth as ice',
they say. They've stole my name! my slippery form! my glaze
that glistened in a thousand flakes
when cut to heart by blade of skate.
I've known your wintry love.
It's summer's heat I hate. [163.52]