Go Ahead and Ask Me

Nothing is Cool

Fabulous mood. It's intriguing. (I really am in a good mood)

I'll try to explain myself, okay?

I have self-esteem issues. Most people do, at least to some degree. But usually I honestly feel like a second-class person, and that anyone who will put up with me and be nice to me is especially wonderful. There are topics that I never bring up, or that I bring up carefully, because they point out how unfit I am. I never really talk about my weight, my childhood, at least when relating to parents, and my political views stay submerged at almost all times. (if you can get me to dish on this topic, you're unusually patient, or I'm unusually serious.

All of this was just a part of who I was. In fact, until last night, I was unaware that it even happened. But it does; even with my best friends, I do not feel fit to be with them sometimes. My conversation is all about the other person, my actions... I might have talked ABOUT myself, but it was for the other person. To avoid awkwardness, and because even the most selfish person will notice if all we talk about is that person.

At times, I don't/didn't even feel fit to say, "Hi," to this upper class of people on Aim. Holly is online right now, but I can't say anything.

And a compliment from 'above' is enough to warm my entire day. Bill wrote on my wall and told me that the IV service last night was cool... I didn't believe him, but I responded. I *know* that he won't respond, and if he does, my mind will not comprehend it.

Is this a complication of the past? Why do I do this? Why does Hannah get the upper hand in our relationship? She is allowed to tease me as much as she'd like to, but I teasing is something I'm VERY careful about with her. She can say almost anything around me.

Don't get me wrong; I take teasing very well. I tease back, I laugh, etc. But Hannah has taken it to a new level. Around her I really do feel inadequate. I've become the person that she thinks I am, too. She thinks that I'm obvious, loud, pointless, obnoxious, and stupid, I think. There are times when I wonder why she would want to hang out with a person like me... But it is her that has continued the relationship... She's the one that calls and asks me to dinner nearly every night of the week. I call once in a while. And if someone has to cancel, it's me, not her.

If Hannah and I talk about me, I bring me up. Usually i do this after she has started to repeat herself. She doesn't usually act very interested, unless it was a story of me doing something very stupid. (Like when I sat next to the super-hot guy in the computer lab, and what I said to him... That's a blog in itself!)

Do I feel superior around anyone? Jenise? Sometimes. Lank? No. But I do feel pretty equal. I do. Hannah, even? Sometimes. There are people who I feel superior to at specific moments. But I know that Jenise is cooler than I am. That's one of the barriers between us. And Hannah? There are times when I look down on her...

Maybe that's why I have no opinion in so many matters: the opinion of the other person is more important than mine? Well, if that's so, then I've become very good at hiding my own opinion, because even I can't find it. (usually)

That's the thing, is these things do not hold true at all times... I wish I could figure out when they are true. I definitely feel more lowly if I'm not as clean as I could be....



So what am I exploring? Well, I don't believe it's possible that one person can have less value than another... So I'm wondering why I came to be this way, and I'm exploring the points.