The Corrupted World Of Floyd Banks

Need to make it..

Its hard looking at back at things you did and regretting them. I've never done anything like raped a girl or killed something, i'm just talking about time wasted. This semester is wrapping itself up and finals are coming up and once again i'm hustling to study. I wonder if this is how it will be for all my life.. I know now that my brain is lazy. If i wasn't lazy i would be pushing myself to do my best and i would be learning new stuff that would help make me an overall better person or at least help me in my carrer option.

Its hard looking back at things you're doing and know that you're doing wrong. Knowing that you could do much better, but because of some problem you have that you just can't put your finger on, you can't. I'm working day and night now to be succesful in university because my friends around me are doing horrible. I know at LEAST 4 people who have to repeat year 1 of university and i know 2 people who will be kicked out for sure at the end of this semester. I don't want to be a bum.. i want to be able to have a good job and live comfortably. I want to be able to earn enough money to support my wife and children. I want to be able to make it. In my country too many people fall short and end up in a mediocre job that they hate or they are doomed to a life of poverty. I don't want this for myself, but at the same time i'm not exactly helping my situation. I hope that i can find someway to completely wake myself up. I do think i'm making progress because i'm at least recognizing the fact i have a problem. The next step is for me to get help for my problems and solve them.

I have alot of emotional/psychological problems. Yep, its all true. I honestly think i need to see a proper head shrink about these things. i.e. i cannot express myself, i have trust issues, i have low self-esteem, i have peer problems issues. There's alot more, but i can't really explain them. .. i don't know, so many things wrong not much time.

I think one of my main problems that i DO know is affecting me are my friends. My company is bad... they're not exactly positive influences. I should get a new batch of friends to be around, but i can't just throw away my old relationship with my friends. That's about 5-10 years of friendship i'm leaving behind. But, i think i will have to in order for me to make it in life. I've suspected this for awhile, but this semester in university has confirmed it. Most of my friends ARE bad influences in terms of me and my studies and i have allowed them to infect me.

Why am i randomly ranting and raving tonight? Because i have to. This is the first time i've released my problems publicly and i'm doing so for the world to see without any fear. Its hard living life with no one in the world to trust and confide in. I have NO ONE to trust, can you believe that? I have so many thoughts and feelings and no one to share them with.. its sad, but true. Now, don't get me wrong ppl your boy Banks isn't ugly or an outcast of society! On the contrary, i'm cool and i hang out alot, i go to parties etc. I'm not a like a loser/nerd or anything and i have no problem talking to girls or anything like that. Its just that its like a mask i wear. Underneath all of what i show i'm an extremely hurt and lonely person. No one has realised this in the 19 years i've been on this earth and they need to realise this before its too late...

I'm out peoples. I need some serious soul searching and i need immense inspiration for what i need to do in my life. I hope something happens soon..