Carpe Diem

Finding RaHa May 17

Everytime I sense you are thinking about me my stomach does something wild. It is like it decides for no apparent reason that I can decipher that I am in your head and there are thoughts and I feel sick but also excited and kinda aroused. I have only ever had this with you.
I used to know when you would email me when I got this feeling and then later when you would call.
Now I wonder if you are wallowing in self pity because I won't speak to you.
I am sure that you expected me to call you again and now it has been about a month and I have not uttered a word to you. Maybe you think that I will forgive you. You are wrong.
I cannot and will not allow myself to be emotionally tortured by you again. Not now, not ever.
I took all of what happened and have turned it into something positive. It was just a sign that this was not going to happen the way I wanted it. I do not always have to have my way but when it comes to the way I am treated I do. I never mistreated you and I expected not to be mistreated either.
About this feeling... I got it today for the first time since I told you on your machine that I never wanted to speak to you again. I am a bit of a coward for doing it that way but I just didn't want to hear all of your excuses. Seriously boy, you were filled with them.
I am not going to say that I am completely over you but I do know that I am a lot happier this way. I would rather live a thousand lives in solitute than hear one more pitiful remark.
They are never ceasing you know... These lies. You are not a good liar and I think that someone should have told you that a lot sooner. Not only that but you pick the stupidest things to lie about and then you give yourself away.
The man I used to know was a lot more honest and I was the one who hid the truth. Maybe that is the thing. I started telling the truth and you can't handle the truth.
You live in this fucking fairy tale world in a pot-smoke haze where things are magically supposed to go your way and your girlfriend is supposed to be the way you imagine her in your deluded fucked up brain. And then, when I wasn't what you expected, you became a big ass, fucking flakey, bastard!
Dear god young one. We hadn't seen each other in three years. Did you really think that I would still be that quietly dependent girl with absolutely no sense of self worth?
To tell you the honest truth my dear, I have been out there living my life to the fullest. Every morning, I wake up and stretch my arms with a big yawn and then smile because I know I will have a great day, even if nothing special happens in it. My happiness need not disapear just because you did.
When we broke up three years ago my happiness and my identity went with you. I was left in this state of complete panic because you took away ME! I think in the days of yore that you were the only thing that held me together. You were the glue... the fucking glue that held all my thoughts and my dreams. I had to make all of that stuff up again as I went along. It was actually a very rewarding experience. I actaully got to chose what kind of person that I wanted to be. And I did. My biggest decision in all of that was to love myself more than I loved anyone else and make all other life decisions based on that principal. Basically I will not make a decision that I might feel sorry for in the future. Now, I know that if I make a decision and things go a little sour I tell myself that I made the best decision for me at the time and it was what I thought was best. You would be surprised how little I am depressed when I think of things this way.
Anyway, I owe this all to you... and that is why I forgave you and let you come back into my life again. Now it seems that you don't like the person that I have become but I can't change, mostly because I don't want to.
I feel a little bad, in a way, that you never actually took the chance to get to know me again but based who I am on some particular aspects of my past. If you would've actaully known me you would also have known why I made those choices and I feel you would not have judged me so harshly. But you did. I think that I have done everything that I could do to salvage the pieces to our relationship... Even if that relationship was that I didn't hate you. I still wish we could have collectively accomplished that... But again with the lies that destroyed any trust that I ever had in you and I will probably do everything in my power to avoid you, in any way shape and form. The only unavoidable thing is this crazy stomach issue with a touch of arousal.
I am sure that if I wanted it... it would not be that hard to find another person to feel aroused with.