Breathing Room

Why are you looking at me?

Okay I have this thing about me where I don't really like to look at people full on when I'm walking past.(which makes people I know think I'm ignoring them when they pass me on the street and tell me later, when in fact I really didn't see them -honestly!) I mean I have no problem if I'm in a conversation with someone and I looking them in the eye but when I'm walking I feel like I'm staring at someone if they catch me looking or having glanced their way....so anyway in saying that I also have this thing about figuring out why someone is looking at me if I feel they've looked at me or glanced in my direction one too many times....

Now keeping all of that in mind, yesterday I was at the gym. Now when I go to the gym I'm all about working out and its not at all about looking cute. Not that I go looking a mess because I go right after work, but I'm not concerned with my make-up or my clothes during my work-out (usually just shorts or sweats and a t-shirt) because what matters is how I look away from the gym when my hard work is in effect.

Anyway, I'm on the treadmill and I usually run for 30 minutes straight with a 5 minute cool down. The other day I pushed myself to a 40 minute run at even higher speeds with a five minute cool down. Now the machine I got on yesterday had a 30 minute limit and wouldn't let me run for 40 minutes. This turned out to be a good thing because I wanted to quit after 10 minutes but I kept talking myself into continuing and I was having this crazy inner dialogue with myself trying to stay motivated. Meanwhile this police officer pulls up outside (I'm running in front of a window) and he's right in my line of vision so I immediately glance away from him as I'm huffing and puffing and trying to convince myself to keep going (plus I'm running at a speed of 5.5 which is pretty fast)...so he commences (in my mind) to glance my way many times and I'm trying not to look at him which feels impossible and I feel that he knows that I'm trying not to look at him and its getting embarassing (at least in my head).

Then I start to think that maybe he's not even looking at me at all and I'm imagining all of this and I'm really full of myself to think that he's looking out of interest especially since I'm running and sweating (profusely) and seriously I need to get a grip. Mind you NONE of this took my mind off of running but it did keep me running because I felt compelled to prove a point -to who? I don't know but I felt like I was proving something to the cop and everyone around me.

I'm so competitive that I'm always silently competing with the person beside me or around me proving that I can run just as fast for a really long time and not quit. I'm crazy, cause I know not one person is focused on me at the gym...

although yesterday I had my music playing as I was coming down the stairs going to the locker room and this guy bounded down the stairs on the other side and he started to say something (and I knew he was trying to talk to me) but I kept on as if my music was really loud (and it was) and I couldn't hear or him or I didn't understand his intentions...I have a boyfriend plus the fact that I get SOOOOO embarassed and self-conscious at times when people approach me -its a wonder I have a boyfriend at all...though I am very flirtatious....

I seriously lost my train of thought and whatver point I was trying to make...