Life with an Addict

pins and needles

I live on pins and needles, always afraid, always ready for an arguement. My friend is in the hospital so I went to visit him Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday night. It may sound like a lot but he's 85 and it was touch and go. Anyway, Tuesday night I came home around 11pm, I was late because I stopped to visit his daughter on the way home. He accused me of cheating on him because I've been gone so many nights lately. I did point out that he left the house 8pm the other night and didn't return until 8am the next day but that's different. I sure wish someone would explain how "that's different". I live with a man who is addicted to oxycodone, vlt machines and God knows what else. He's so consumed in his addictions that he lashes out at everyone around him. He can't speak in normal tones, his level of speaking is two levels louder than everyone else's. I feel like I'm being yelled at all the time, he says that's his normal tone of voice and if I don't like it get out. I sleep on the sofa every night because after listening to him yell all day I can't stand to even be in the same room with him. I'm reaching a very dangerous level where I picture putting a gun to my head. Not that I ever would or could, it's just that sometimes the stress gets so intense that I feel like I could explode. I've heard many friends comment that their husbands need a "mother". I can't even say that that's the case here, he wants me in the house at all times cleaning, cooking, looking after the kids and if I dare break the cycle....watch out. After watching my mother die, and watching a close friend die I'm at the point where I want to begin living before it's too late. how do I do that when I'm frightened to leave the house for fear it might interfere with his agenda?