I am Nobody

My fears. . .

Please don't think I am crazy but I really just had to get this out, even if no one reads it.

My life is consumed with fears. My main fear is that I will never find love. At 19 I can honestly say I haven't been in a real relationship and while everyone else has been going out on dates I have been sitting at home. I am afraid no one will ever want me. And I am afraid I don't even know what I want. For the longest time I was convinced that I was a lesbian, but now I am not so sure. How do you know what you are if you haven't really experienced love? I worry that I was not made to be loved, that God didn't make anyone for me. I hate being alone, going through my phone book when I am depressed but not having anyone to call. I want someone I can talk to who will listen, but I can't seem to find them. I doubt they even exist. And then I get mad, why did God make me like this, why did he let me become so ugly. Most people at least have a period in their life where they feel pretty and loved. All I have ever felt was ugly and hated. I don't feel feminine; I have too many masculine characteristics. And people who I don't even know hate me. All throughout high school I was picked on, I never did anything, but they hated me. I was ugly and fat and they treated me like shit. And no matter what I did or said it never changed, because those kids could see I am shit, I am garbage; I am the very proof of ugliness in this world. Why did God give me ovaries and then fill my outer appearance with so many masculine traits, am I some sort of sick joke. Then I wonder sometimes if I was one of those kids whose parents had a sex change operations performed on them as children and I was really suppose to be born a man? But I like being a female and I want to be a female, I just dont feel like one. Maybe it is just a phase but it seems as if it is a particularly long phase in my life and it is all I have ever known.

I just want to be happy