Catching Idle Butterflies

I don�t want to be happy

You read that title right.

I don’t want to be happy.

I was happy once, sought it out for all I was worth for years, got it, and ended up hating it.

I have everything I ever wanted. A husband who treats me better and loves me more than I think I deserve, a job I love and even pays well so I no longer have to live paycheck to paycheck, and a house and the car I can call my own.

So what’s the problem?

I discovered happiness leads to contentment and soon after, complacency. Sure, I was happy, but I also wasn’t growing. I looked around and noticed my only contribution to people’s lives was a new road and a water and sewer system that didn’t break down.

Surely, there’s more to life than that? I must have a purpose beyond the material I leave behind. Don't I?

I discovered happiness shouldn’t be my only goal in life.

If not happiness, then what?

Joy.

I missed joy. Joy is not an emotion like happiness, but a state of being. It doesn’t depend on my circumstances, but a constant, regardless of my circumstances.

I know people who’ve gone on missionaries in third world countries, and they all come back with the same impressions. Many people there know joy, yet they scrape for the bare substance of living from day to day. They are grateful they have enough to live by from day to day, and they have joy because they know God is providing for their needs, both spiritually as well as physically.

And here I am tossing away my happiness, my joy even, because I don’t get everything I want, when I want it. I’m not nearly grateful enough for the blessings I do have.

In fact, I take them for granted, many times even feeling I deserve them, I’m entitled to them.

Does that mean those who have less, who struggle for every meal deserve their lot in life?

Honestly, there are times I wish I had far less than I do. That way, I wouldn’t be so distracted by my material wealth and depend instead on my spiritual wealth. It’s there joy can be found.

All this came about from yesterday’s message at church. In the letter to the Phillipians, Paul wrote about his joy even while imprisoned: “. . . and I trust that my life will bring honor to Christ whether I live or die . . . knowing this I am convinced that I will remain alive so I can continue to help all of you grow and experience the joy of your faith.” (Phillipians 1:20 & 25)

I underlined that last part because it occurred to me faith should never be a burden. If it is, then perhaps that faith needs changing.

The underlying question remains. Do I have joy, real joy that can only be found in my faith in Jesus?

That I have to ask that question gives me pause; perhaps I have some evaluating to do.

I don’t doubt I will find it, because I know exactly where to look.