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Some entries are more difficult to write than others. We stare at that crap we wrote and wonder if we should hit that terrible little button Save Entry! and make everyone read it, hate it, and walk away for forever. I have thought that many times. Today is no different. I donāt want to write this, and I certainly donāt want to post it. But each time I shoved that fear aside, I ended up pleasantly and tearfully surprised you didnāt hate what I wrote, you didnāt walk away never to return, but left comments confirming the exact opposite of my fears. Iām holding on to that hope again as I write and post this. Iām discovering the things that are the most difficult to write and make public are the ones that need to be written and exposed above all others. After receiving comments of late saying Iām too hard on myself, I feel now is the time to tell you a bit more about how I tick. I grew up convinced I was ugly. Having enough people tell me so year after year convinced me of that. Now, though I have many tell me Iām pretty, some even going so far as to use ābeautiful,ā I have learned to say thank you and go on. But it doesnāt sink in as quickly as thinking Iām ugly. Now I donāt think Iām ugly anymore, but I donāt see myself as pretty, certainly not beautiful. Iām plain, blending in with the crowd easily. Believe it or not, Iām comfortable with that. I donāt want to be beautiful, because that kind of beauty is fleeting. Thinking Iām plain, passable, well thereās freedom in that, because when things start to sag and wrinkle, oh well, I havenāt lost anything. As some of you know, people criticized me in other ways, such as how I felt and how I treated others, telling me I wasnāt good enough, that I needed to change. It became such a constant growing up, I now do it to myself, much quicker than anyone can do it to me. Itās a defense mechanism. Itās less painful when I tell myself I suck than to have someone else inform me of it. The one thing I was never criticized on was my intelligence, and talents such as writing and art, however. Quite the opposite in fact. Therefore, all my energies went into, and still go into, increasing those things, learning and growing as much as I can, because I have no doubt I will succeed. Mix that confidence and that enured necessity to constantly try to better my imperfect self, and you get who I am today. I donāt self-criticize to bring myself down, but to lift me up. This blog is intended as a record of my journey to become the best I can be, the best God wants me to be. If you havenāt read them all yet, I suggest you read all the comments in yesterdayās entry. They are the perfect example of why I want to save not just my entries but all the comments. Much more wisdom can be found there than with my words alone. I want to highlight the gist of the comments, which basically say God is using me, is using my gifts and talents to further whatever future He intends for me, and that I should give myself a break. I donāt argue that. Yet, when I go back to my previous entries, I can see, in a mere seven months, my faith and my ability to express it has grown much more than I could have guessed back in November. Thatās partly due to me being hard on myself. I want to be honest about who I am, both my flaws and the things that donāt need changing. The reason this is a difficult entry to write and submit is because I donāt want you to think I donāt appreciate your comments, that I donāt want you to continue to give me advice and encouraging words. You help me to be more honest in who I am, and not go too far in either my confidence or my humility. I long for that to continue. On A Lighter Note ========================================================= Have you ever noticed some decisions seem to make themselves? Turns out Iām gonna do that teaching thing with AUGI after all, and it wasnāt a conscious decision on my part. Yesterday I started out researching other courses to see what other teachers were doing, and to figure out how difficult or easy it would be so I could then decide if I had the time, knowledge and ability to do the same. The next thing I know, I was filling out the provided Course Outline and Proposal form, as well as beginning a lesson plan. If this keeps up, Iāll have it done within the next 2-3 weeks. Iām going to email the proposal on Monday. Iām not sending it now, because I want to wait for a response to an email I sent asking a few questions about the course, such as what prospective students are looking for. I donāt want to write a course no student would be interested in learning. Iāll still stick to the course subject Iām writing now, because I didnāt see anything like it in other courses on the site, and I use these features all the time. Quite the time-savers they are! I just want to know what other subjects theyāre looking for, just in case I want to do more. Thank you all for your encouragement! I think, at least subconsciously, they helped me decide to do this, and I am really looking forward to it. |