My True Soul

Step on crack, break your mother's back.

It all came back to me Saturday when I heard my dad talking to my grandmother... heard the same tone in his voice that I hear so often in public when there's some man talking about a guy that he thinks is a lil funny. And by funny, just so you know, I mean gay. I heard that same way of describing it without coming out and directly saying gay. "I don't think Jeff really likes women all that much, he's always been a little closer to men, a little too close." And those same stereotype views of gay people and what they're like, that same tone of voice.

Do any of you know the tone of voice I'm talking about?

Anyway, just kinda made me realize, yet again, that it'd probably be a while before I tell them...
Manda, recently, has made mention of me getting in contact with my cousin Anita. One evening she even searched for her e-mail address and found it for me. Since then, she and I've talked about the possibility of me getting in contact with her. Anita and I are... in some ways, a lot a like. We both definitely feel the same about our grandmother... gah. But in addition... Anita's a lesbian, she's lived with her "roommate" for about 10 years now... and actually possibly longer. They basically thought it'd be best if I didn't interact with her when I was growing up... I guess for fear that she might "influence me wrongly" and show me the "wrong" way to be. Or some craziness like that... yes, seriously.

Guess it didn't matter after all... did it? Haha.

I'm also at home this weekend to help take care of my mom who fell almost 2 weeks ago and broke her hip. My dad's here... but he's really not used to doing everything he does with the added responsibility of doing everything my mom does. It feels weird to come home. I feel like I don't belong somewhat. *shrugs*

I've been thinking about Manda and I. It's complicated... but it's easy... but it's hard to explain.

I think some of the tension... is partially due to the concern of us not really knowing where things are going to go, not for sure. Mainly, right now, because of the possibilites that are there for me taking the next step in my educational life. Or at least, this is what I think. Anyways. She's been supportive of any possibilty of a decision I might make. There are so many variables. I don't like it.

Ya know... I think I realize the difference between thinking you could spend your whole life with someone and actually being willing to... there's a different emotion to it... there's a different reality to it. I never got it til now... I thought I had it long before now... cause, well, it's not hard to comprehend... but now I really feel it.

Things have been tough for her and I lately. More arguments, more just in general difficulties, more discussions, more of us being annoyed/aggravated/frustrated with each other. It's made me start to think. And really, I'd love it if she and I could go somewhere and talk again soon. Perhaps suggesting that to her soon. It's not bad thinking... just in general.

Feel like I'm growing up, in someways... finally. Been trying to sort out who I am from what I want to become from what I pretend to be or what I think I should be... it's really a quite confusing process.

The paper I was supposed to write… I don’t know if I’ll get it done in time. I’m not sure I even want to try. I may work on that here in a little bit… see if I can at least get the papers read….. that’ll kill off a lot of the work. It’s kinda crazy to have a July 21st deadline for something that’s not until Jan. 2007.

Also… June 28th, my mom fell and broke her hip… which means she won’t be really working for a while. Thus… all the money I make now has to go towards the bills here… rent, electric, refrigerator, phone, etc. I’ve paid almost $100 on the fridge and have it down to $330 that has to be paid before may/june of next year. Electric bill will be here soon… blah. And my computer is messed up, not majorly, but alas, that’s still more money.

I needed to do this anyway, however, I was hoping it could wait a little bit.

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you.” – The Notebook

Now, I really can’t wait until Manda gets home. Last week, she went home on Tuesday and stayed until Thursday afternoon. Then I left on Friday evening, stayed gone until about 1 am on Monday morning. We spent a lil time together last night, slept in the same bed, I got up and went work, came in from work and spent about 30 minutes with her. And for the past 3 hours, she’s been at work. Needless to say? I miss her still.