Finding Myself : What More Can I do?

The Start Of It All

She almost unconsciously hooked her hand round her neck chain and linked her fingers with the charm. She was thinking, thinking about that time when her friend got jealous because she was still good friends with her ex.
"Forever. Ross and I shared something no one else can ever share. Forever and ever it will be ours. Forever..." And once again silence resumed. Forever. That one word can mean so much.
As she walked further the wind picked up. Her hair was blown round her face by the wind and although she didn't know it, she was one of the most special, beautiful things on earth.
The wind calmed. Once again there was a gentle breeze and finally she let go of her chain. On it was the word "forever". It was a "forever-best-friends" necklace but she knew there was a deep reason as to why she had chosen the "forever" one. She knew there was a deep reason for most things people did. It was psychological. She turned to walk down the road that lead to her house of twelve years. So much history, so many memories. Then she began to think of what life would be like if she chose what happened to her. She clutched the folder in her arms and dreams floated in her mind. But she came crashing down to earth when she remembered. Remembered that holiday when she was 11. That was something no one of any age should ever have to deal with ever. She started screaming in her mind and from her arms her folder fell. She collapsed to the ground with heartbreaking desperate sobs. All she could do was let the tears come because for not the first time in her life she didn't know what to do. She couldn't find a way out, an answer no matter how hard she tried. Logic couldn't explain the way she was and why what happened happened to her.
For what seemed hours she sat there and sobbed, tears first rolling, then streaming down her delicate cheeks. She gazed up and saw the big grey clouds that covered part of the sky. And suddenly she realised that the sky was as angry as she was. Angry at other people angry at the world. And she knew she wasn't alone in her own messed up world.
Slowly she stood up and wiped the wet from her cheeks. Again she looked at the sky and felt that ache, that hole in her heart that could never be mended. She picked up her folder and slowly, step by step made her way home.
She was a very special girl. She was pretty, young, bubbly on the outside and inside she was intelligent, generous, kind and so caring. But even deeper inside was a great mind. She could think of many reasons for many things for example she could explain why somebody told so many lies. She was wise in her young age but nobody realised it. And that was what made her so upset among other things.
Alone on her bed she wrote down all her feelings in her diary. She knew it wouldn't help much but she to try. Day after day she went to school and day after day nothing changed. There were some things she would hate to change but school life wasn't one of them. All she wanted, all she had ever wanted was to be genuinely happy. And maybe one day that would happen. Maybe one day her life would be as perfect as she wanted.
All her life she had been known as the quiet one, the teachers' pet, the one who always did as she was told, the list is endless. When were people going to realise she was her own person. She had her own opinions, her own thoughts. She was entirely unique. She had befallen some horrifying experiences in her short life but she was still as bubbly and as unique as ever. She lived for other people.
She sighed deeply. She cast her mind back over the past three and a half years where she had met the best friends she knew she could ever have. Every memory she could remember replayed itself in her mind and she smiled. Life may not be perfect but sometimes it was worth it. For the moment she was content. After yet another bad day at school she went to the playroom. This was her room, the place she always went when she wanted to be alone. If you had a special camera you could see all her memories floating round, not trying or wanting to get out and the stains on the carpet where her tears had fallen. One by one her tears fell to the floor until there was a steady torrent of salty tears running down her face. She cried uncontrollably for what seemed ages before wiping her tears away. She knew crying never helped but to her it seemed to take some of that anger away. She appreciated that. It was one of the only things that still made sense although logic itself could not say that it did.
She woke up the next day to a gorgeous spring morning. It made her feel happier. She loved the outdoors. Not when it was wet and miserable and wintry with no life but when it was full of colour and life. New life and the joy that it brings.