A peek at the REAL Thumbster

On This Date In History

On this date in history...

Aug 5th, 7,000,000,000 BC...The earth doesn't exist. Neither does peanut butter, popcorn or puppy dogs. Anyone wishing to read my journal back then would be outta luck.

Aug 5th, 6,000,000,000 BC...God creates oysters, acorns and cufflinks but as the earth still doesn't exist, has no place to keep them so they just drift about in space.

Aug 5th, 4,000,000,000 BC...Three billion years have passed and still no puppy dogs.

Aug 5th, 250,000,000 BC...First nameless fish-like thingy ventures onto dry land where it promptly dies.

Aug 5th, 150,000,000 BC...God grows impatient waiting for fish-like thingys to colonize the land. He creates dinosaurs and sticks them everywhere.

Aug 5th 50,000,000 BC...God grows bored with dinosaurs and wipes them all out.

Aug 5th, 1,000,000 BC...God creates first tribe of people.

Aug 5th, 999,999 BC...People wander off into the sea and drown.

Aug 5th, 50,000 BC...Og discovers fire. Og is first person burnt at the stake for being a heretic.

Aug 5th, 4,999 BC...Ompehtumis I proclaims himself first pharaoh of Egypt.

Aug 5th, 4,998 BC...Ompehtumis I is burnt as a heretic.

Aug 5th, 4,997 BC...Ompehtumis II proclaims himself second pharaoh of Egypt.

Aug 5th, 4,996 BC...You guessed it. Omp II is toast.

Aug 5th, 4,995 BC...God grows weary of Egypt and plagues them with frogs and rats and bees and whatever else he can throw at them.

Aug 5th, 4,500 BC...Chinese invent fireworks, paper, clocks, spaghetti and ducks.

Aug 5th, 4,499 BC...Chinese decide what this world really needs is LOTS more Chinese.

Aug 5th, 1,000 AD...Medieval Europe struggles with attracting tourists. Decides burning heretics at the stake is the way to go.

Aug 5th 1239 AD...Vlad the Impaler invents Lego but gets bored with it and goes on to invent sharp pointy stakes instead.

Aug 5th, 1556 AD...Spanish explorer Franscio Delmento Delacruz discovers the tropical island paradise of Funtoonie. The native Funtoonies are converted to Christians, catch smallpoxs, measles, mumps and warts and are sold into slavery before being later killed by English Christians for being Catholics.

Aug 5th, 1623 AD...German Hans Doodlemeister invents white bread and is burnt at the stake.

Aug 5th, 1684 AD...The board game "Scrabble" is invented but doesn't catch on among the illiterate of London. The Chinese version doesn't catch on either.

Aug 5th, 1779 AD...Pierre Du Trollimont invents French fires and is quickly guillotined.

Aug 5th, 1875 AD...Native American Indian tribe Lopi invents popcorn.

Aug 5th, 1876 AD...American 2nd Calvary wipe out every last Lopi looking for the popcorn recipe. The secret of making popcron dies with the Lopi and wouldn't be reinvented until Orville Redenbacker comes along 32 years later.

Aug 5th, 1888 AD...Swedish explorer Tomas Velshundishverg suggests original inhabitants of Funtoonie were Vikings. Spain is outraged over this and so started the first Funtoonie/Viking war.

Aug 5th, 1951 AD...North Koreans accused of hoarding kite string. Tension mounts as South Koreans try to fly tail-less kites.

Aug 5th, 1963 AD...Walt Disney confesses it was him who was hoarding kite string. Disney's Bambi is banned in North Korea.

Aug 5th 1972 AD...Mississippi asks to join the USA and are surprised to find out they already belong.

Aug 5th, 1972 AD...The tiny island nation or Funtoonie asks to join the USA and is invaded.

Aug 5th, 1979 AD...Makers of Silly Putty advise against eating it.

Aug 5th, 1987 AD...Michael Jackson buys Funtoonie but later sells it to France.

Aug 5th, 1987 AD...Makers of Silly Putty reissue their warning about eating it.

Aug 5th, 1988 AD...France use Funtoonie for their nuclear bomb tests.

Aug 5th, 1990 AD...Burger King's "Reusable Forks" campaign is a flop.

Aug 5th, 1994 AD...Disney's A Bug's Life is banned in North Korea as being blantenly anti-bug. Osam Bin Laden promises revenge for this insult to bugs everywhere.

Aug 5th 1996 AD...TV's Andy from "The Andy Griffith Show" is accused of being a Viking.

Aug 5th, 1999 AD...Osama Bin Laden bombs Funtoonie but no one but the Funtoonies noticed.

Aug 5th, 2000 AD...Tuna fish decide they don't much like being canned and start avoiding tuna nets.

Aug 5th, 2002 AD...Thumbsucker creates a journal at Writing.Com. Osama Bin Laden promises revenge.

Aug 5th, 2006 AD...Burger King, Michael Jackson and the makers of Silly Putty sue Thumbsucker. Thumbsucker considers moving to Funtoonie.




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