Break the Cycle

Factor/Obstacle: Depression

It's hard to keep up with anger management when you're in depression straight on up to your eyeballs. No, seriously, my depression and anger issues are not strongly correlated. I mean, depression is only a factor because I have to deal with it and my anger in separate ways.

Which one causes more problems? Depression, easily. See, when I'm angry, I'm at least energetic and motivated to do things. With depression (especially my current bout), energy is very rare. So is eating. Anger may bring stomach pain, but I can eat in order to alleviate it. The stomach pain brought about by depression is much different in that eating only aggravates my physical pain. When I'm angry, I'll eat a normal 3-5 times a day. Bouts of depression lead me to eat only once or twice a day, depending on how I feel physically. The lack of eating is also the most lingering reminder that I am depressed. After a while, I can start to tiptoe around the depression triggers and still feel okay afterwards. My lack of eating is what reminds me that my moods are off, and it's during this time that I could end up with two problems on my hands at once. See, by this point, I have enough energy to do normal tasks, including get angry. What makes this even worse is I'll fly off the handle over nothing. So yeah, I'm something of a time bomb right now. I'm still depressed but now energetic to get totally pissed off if I wanted. Isn't that a scary thought?

That said, while anger is something I'm able to come to terms with on my own, the depression is another issue altogether. Given my living situation (3 months in Stupid, the rest in Miami), I'm waiting until I get back to Miami to start some sort of counseling for my depression. Not long after this recent bout, I thought about what triggered this bout (a flashback to when my ex-boyfriend Jon cheated on me while on a trip I wasn't able to attend). After finally reaching the end of my rope and calling my EAP (employee assistance program), I determined that while I don't have feelings for Jon, I still have not recovered from what he did to me three years ago.

Ironically, this leads to one thing that's been pissing me off as of late. I tell people that this was brought about by a terrible flashback, and they tell me I need to get over the past. Well, that might be fine and dandy, but when it comes to trauma with which you've never really handled, you just can't flip an on/off switch to forget about a disloyal bastard that fucked with your head. Okay? It just doesn't work that way, especially since his cheating on me came on the heels of our family dealing with a sick, insane relative and me being put on unsuitable medication courtesy of a psychiatrist who I couldn't reach for at least a couple months because her office burned down. And people wonder why I'm adamant about not taking psychiatric drugs and have huge reservations about seeking counselling. Still, though, the depression issue is too big for me alone. While having peer support helps (even though it feels like I have very little), I realize that this is not a problem for ameteurs to solve. My depression has barely been kept under control for the past couple years, and one trigger released the lock on the dams. Now we're all fucked as I weather the cavalcade of sadness and ambivalence on my plate.

In the meantime, I'll have to deal with my anger by ranting like a bitch in my other journal. Topics of bitchings will include everything from work and school to 9/11 and the Middle East. Of course, bits of historical comparision, satire and fucked up theories will be peppered in there as well. I just have to manage my angry impulses while working on the depression horseshit.