Break the Cycle

Obstacle: Isolation

Though isolation is more of a problem for my depression issues, it does affect my anger, namely in festering it. It might seem more appropriate to classify isolation as a factor, but I have multiple reasons for not doing so. First, isolation tends to makes me harbor my emotions a bit more. Some people find that isolation gives them the opportunity to cut loose on an emotional level. I used to be that way, but the older I get, the more inclined I am to come unglued (and thus seek help) around other people who might actually catch me. Even then, people sometimes have to drag an emotional response out of me, as my isolation leads me to not express myself for fear of being seen as weak. Second, isolation allows me to overthink a situation, which can further fuel my anger to the point of perpetuating it even when the trigger situation has long faded away in everyone else's minds.

So...what is my relationship with isolation? Well, it's a twisted one for sure. Isolation and I have known each other since the day I was born. My preference for being alone landed me in all sorts of trouble, from being (mis)diagnosed as autistic (thus landing me in ESE for the first several years of schooling) to cutting myself off from my friends after my grandfather died ten years ago. Isolation's effects have yet to be as dramatic as they were ten years ago, but I still feel them to this day. On my free time, even before I became a site member, I had a tendency to remain indoors and amuse myself with writing out the elaborate stories floating around my head. The ambivalent consequnce of my isolation is most manifest in my imagination, which seems to go into hyperdrive when my isolation is at its worst. Even when I'd venture out, I was usually on my own and people watching most of the time. I truly defined being alone in a huge crowd at those moments in time. What didn't help was the looming sense of lonliness I felt at those times, lonliness from not really having friends to keep me company when I wasn't in school.

How about these days, after going through high school and the friendship ringer? Well, there are some solo activities which don't bother me to do, such as going to a restaurant by myself. I also enjoy hitting the road solo and visiting parks by myself. On the other hand, I find if I'm not milling about here, I feel totally depressed and tend to beat myself up for not socializing. Oddly enough, I don't correct this by initializing social contact. Why? Well, I always feel like I'm going to interrupt something extremely important and get chewed out for it. In real life, my body language, not my words, is what prompts people (from friends to superiors) to drag me out of my seclusion and talk to people. So, if I'm online, there's no real way for anyone to drag me into conversation. If anyone drags me into a social arena online, it's usually to quell an uprising (something that has become a bit of a forte for me). It doesn't help that I won't chat socially with anyone. I have to know you for a while before I'll let you drag me into a random conversation because I'm a paranoid bitch like that. So if for some reason you see me online and want to talk to me, get to know me first. Otherwise, I'll choose isolation over you.