Starting Over...

Keeping a positive attitude

I'm lacking balance in my life is ia big way. It's seems no matter how much my luck changes for the better, I'm still afraid. I don't want to believe that this is because I have a chemical imbalance that needs correcting. I just got off my old meds 6 months ago. They we're helping anymore and, if anything, were wiping me out. It's just not normal to be able to sleep 14 hours a day and to need a minimum of 6 shots of espresso to function on the lowest levels. I thought my life would improve instantly, and it did... for a while.

Then came more job insecurity back in May, the 4am pacing sessions, and the all-consuming, soul crushing fear that seems to shape itself to every situation I find myself in.

I found a new job and got a raise. I found a decent roommate to split my living expenses with for the next year. I finally got a copy of my credit report and was surprised to find that my score wasn't that bad even with the bankruptcy. If I can hold out for 10 more months sharing my place and giving up my Saturdays at the coffee shop I should be able to have my credit card and car paid off (6 months early at that). My financial situation is finally improving. I finally have a plan, but I'm terribly restless waiting for it to play out.

Even with the money issues in check, I still worry about everything else. "What if the girls in my new lab never like me? What if I can't find a church where the people don't think I'm a sex-obcessed redneck? What if I'm incapable of being in a romantic relationship? What I never build the life experience to be a good writer (because my life is damn boring right now)?"

I suppose my answer would be, "I'll deal with it." I'm pretty good at just shutting everything out but the problem at hand. I just wish it didn't feel so damn souless. I can't lose it though, even for a moment. Even my breakdowns feel controlled.

I guess I should consider this progress, since I've been worrying about money almost exclusively for years now. I'm branching out...finding new things to fret about. I guess I'm just tired of worrying, especially about the things I can't control, like people and what they think of me. It's sort of my natural state now. Will I always be this way?