Catching Idle Butterflies

Lip Service

Never wrestle with God. For one, He knows far more wrestling moves than I do. It takes a mere 1½ seconds for Him to toss me on the mat, and another two seconds for me to tap out.

Plus, He cheats. Just ask Jacob. Only instead of dislocating my hip, God thrusts a mirror in my face and focuses it on a part of me I either didn’t see or chose to ignore.

I forgot my own advice, for God and I had another match last night. I again lost, discovering something I really didn’t want to know, but needed to.

I don’t trust God. Oh, sure with some things I do, but not everything, not the things that matter most. While I pray constantly for the things I desire most, I don’t really believe God’s answer will be yes. Therefore I get everything I expect, which is nothing.

Why don’t I trust Him? After all, has He done anything to prove He’s not worthy of my trust? In a way, yes. I’ve been told time and again His will is best, but it will not always match mine. I long ago convinced myself His will and mine will never be in sync, because I have received more negative answers to prayers than positives.

While I may sometimes hope for the best, more often I expect the worst.

Because I don’t have the faith God will answer my most fervent prayers, why then do I waste both His time and mine?

Add to that feeling so selfish for praying for the things I want along with having little temper tantrums when I don’t get them. Damn, but I’m spoiled!

God isn’t that great uncle with nothing but money to spend on his adorable little niece. Ha! I’m not so adorable. I’m like that little girl begging for that bright new toy on the shelf, and when I'm told no, I drop to the ground, pound the floor with my fists and feet, and scream myself to hyperventilation.

God does not spoil His children, no matter how adorable we pretend to be, or how long we scream our discontent.

I’m reminded of Mark 9:14-24: When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him.

"What are you arguing with them about?" he asked.

A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."

"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."

So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.

Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"

"From childhood," he answered. "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."

"'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Perhaps I need to change my focus and no longer pray myself sick for what I believe are the desires of my heart, and pray for help in my disbelief instead.