A peek at the REAL Thumbster

Picnics For The Picnicless

Before I proceed with my picnicing for the picnicless entry, I'd first like to save myself a stamp and post this letter here instead of using snail mail...




Dear Department of Justice,
Criminal Prosecuting Enforcement Division,

Thank you for the lewd behaviour arrest warrant and court summons. Appearing before you on Dec 12th sounds like a hoot. Unfortunately I'm gonna have to pass, as Dec 12th falls on a Tuesday. Tuesdays I bake cookies. I really would be thrilled to be there with y'all but the cookies aren't gonna bake themselves. Sorry.

Sexually yours,

Thumbsucker




Hopefully that will get those anal retentive department of justice bastards off my back. Oh oh...just in case any anal retentive department of justice bastards are still reading this...you shouldn't be. You were only supposed to read the part where I was sucking up to you and then stop reading. Understand? Bureaucratic morons. You weren't supposed to read that either. Stupid assholes. Stop it. Stop reading you worthless piss ants. Stop it. Stop it I say.

Whew. I'm glad that's over with. Now I can get to the real purpose for posting this entry...my Picnics For The Picnicless entry.

A while back I was standing in my local mall fountain, (doing something I later learned anal retentive department of justice bastards consider to be "lewd"), when I suddenly got a great idea. It's a foolproof way for me to get filthy rich while not costing me any money or any effort. Now before I tell you my sure-fire, get-rich-quick scheme I want you to promise not to steal it and make untold millions for yourself. Go on. Promise. And I don't mean one of those "I prommmmmmise" promises like I tell my probation officer. I want you to really mean it...

























I'm waiting...


























Go on...





























Promise...
























Okay don't promise. I'm still gonna tell my sure-fire, get-rich-quick scheme anyways but I'm gonna do it with super clever codes and winks. This way my readers who promised will be able to understand exactly what I'm talking about while the rest of you worthless, scummy, money grabbers will be left scratching your heads in bewilderment. Ha ha ha ha ha. Sometimes I'm so ingenious it scares me. (There's no "d" in ingenious is there?)

Alright then, here's my plan...

What's the one thing people in today's hectic world want more than anything? No...it's not pens. There's already plenty of pens out there. Guess again. No...it's not puddles. Guess again. Yes, that's right. It's paste. (Actually it's not paste. I just said that to throw off the thieving bastards that wouldn't promise earlier) It's picnics. Yes picnics. Hardly anybody goes on picnics nowadays...and why is that? Because up till now, there hasn't been a fully complete, 100% guaranteed picnic available. That's why I plan to open an online picnic catering business. Anyone from anywhere in the world will be able to purchase a fully 100% guaranteed picnic from me. If you're not completely satisfied after going on any picnic of mine, you won't get your money back but if you have any complaints...any complaints at all...you'll pay ME three times the original price of the picnic. (I figure that should really cut down on the number of complaints I get)

So what will make my online picnic catering company different than all those other online picnic catering companies out there? Well for starters you get everything EXACTLY how you want it. I figure who better than YOU knows exactly what you want in a picnic. All my picnics will come with EXACTLY the foods, trimmings and locations you want. Please note...YOU must supply the food, trimmings and locations. These are NOT included in the price.

Here's a rough list of some of the picnics I have in mind...

My $14.99 Super Discount Budget Picnic Special You really don't wanna know what you'll get for your $14.99. There's a $4.99 surcharge if I have to tell you.

My quickie lunchtime getaway, Picnic On The Go. For only $49.99, you can have a 15 minute noontime picnic. Extend your picnic another 15 minutes for an extra $49.99. Invite along a co-worker for only $49.99 extra per co-worker.

My Romantic Picnic For Two. This 45 minutes of romantic picnic time with that special someone can be your's for only $139.99. $65.99 extra if you want to have your Romantic picnic in a mall fountain.

MY two hour, $650.99 indulgent Pampered Princess Picnic. $49.99 extra to not share your Pampered Princess picnic with a Super Discount Budget Picnic Special customer.


And finally my all out, $49,999.99, six and half hour Super Fanatsy Of Your Dreams Picnic. This is THE ultimate in super fantasy dream picnics. Whatever expensive foods you can afford...you can have. Wherever in the world you can afford to go...you can go to. The sky's the limit. You decide. NOTE...for only an extra $99.99 I won't expect a tip.



So what do ya think? Pretty nifty huh? All I have to do is create a website and just sit back and let the money pour in. Hmmm. On second thought that seems like more work than I thought...keeping track of all those different picnic prices and who did and didn't tip me. It's probably better if I have one simple price right across the board to cover any and all picnics. How about you send me $49.99 anytime you go on one. And you don't have to tip me. Deal? I wonder if anyone's patented picnics? The bastards.




CAUTION...Reading this could hurt your eys.








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