Day by day, again

3 months shy of 30 years

This March will be 30 years since I became a nurse. It's hard to believe that much time has past. No damn wonder my body feels like it's falling apart. That's a long time for pounding the halls, bending over to start IV's or take a BP, and moving patients.

I returned to work on Monday to see a name on the census that made my heart drop. It was a gentleman that I knew years ago. His daughter and my sister were very best friends and both died in an auto accident on May 27, 1976. My sister was 20 years old and Ellen was around 21 or 22. Ellen was also married, albeit in the process of getting a divorce, and was about 6 and a half months pregnant. For some reason we still don't know they were on the wrong side of the road and were hit head on. Gail, my sister, was killed instantly according to the coroner. Ellen lived about 30 minutes or so but died before they could cut her out the car. Of course the baby died with her.

Gail and Ellen were best friends for years. Ellen didn't like being alone so when she and her husband separated Gail often went to stay with her and they would drive into work together. It was on such a morning that they made their last drive together. It was devastating. What made it even worse was that someone told the story of their friendship to the local paper and they made headlines with "Crash ends friendship of two girls." I still have the clipping in my fireproof box.

Gail's death was 3 days short of being 4 years since our mother died. It never occured to our family that after losing our mother we would have to bury a sister and go through that grief all over again. It was like being hurt on top of the worst hurt you can imagine. We were nowhere near through the grieving process with our mother when Gail was killed. She tried to be a second mother to me and my younger sister and she even went to summer school so she could graduated early, get a job, and be there for us. She was the most giving person I have ever known and because of that some people took advantage of her nature. Her loss on top of my mother's loss literally destroyed the family.

From the time we buried Gail to the time we all left home to pursue our own lives and careers there was no closeness, affection, or sharing between the remaining members. It remains so to this day. It was as if we all felt that as long as we didn't get close to each other we wouldn't lose anyone else. All we shared was grief and we didn't talk about it. Especially with our father. He was and is the most closed up man I have ever known when it comes to expressing his feelings or showing emotion.

The only thing I can truly remember about the time after her funeral is that I was in such a deep depression that I basically went through with the moves of living day to day but I was absolutely cold and dead inside. As much as I tried to be there for my younger sister I couldn't get away from the ice encasing my heart and soul. I regret that more than I can ever say. I failed my little sister and she also withdrew more from us and everyone else. We walked around each other, ate, slept, and spoke when spoken to but we all had turned inward and couldn't seem to do otherwise. After awhile I think I just got to be habit and over 30 years later we are still closed up with each other. Sad, isn't it?

Losing someone you love is painful in a way that is indescribable. Losing a mother was devastating but a sister who you shared so much more with was a loss that you never recover from. Pillowfights, laughter, whispering in the dark while in bed, and having secrets with each other was all part of the bond I had with my sister. She was someone I could talk to and she wouldn't lecture or judge. She would listen. Really listen.

When you lose someone like that who you love so much the grieving never ends. It just gets more tolerable. God, how I miss them both!

I often wonder how our family would be today had we not lost two of our members in such a short time. Somehow I doubt we would be as we are today. The bond was broken all those years ago and is irrepairable.
I suppose it's just one of those things you have to accept, like it or not.