No Title As Yet!

Imagine

Imagine

Imagine having to live with a bully, but you are too, scared to leave.
Imagine being afraid to go to sleep and afraid to wake each morning.
Imagine being denied food, warmth or comfort.
Imagine being kicked, slapped, burnt, punched and raped.
Imagine having to watch everything you do or say in case it 'upsets' the person you live with - or else you'll be punished.
Imagine having to seek permission to go out, to see your friends or your family.
Imagine being a prisoner in your own home - imagine being timed, when you go out to the shops.
Imagine that you believe what he tells you - that it's your fault. That if only you were a better mother, lover, housekeeper, kept your mouth shut, could only keep the children quiet, dressed how he liked you to, kept in shape, gave up your job - somehow things would get better.
Imagine that you don't know where to get help, what to do, or how to leave.
Imagine that you can't face the shame of admitting what's really going on to family or friends.
Imagine his threats if you dare to say you will leave. How could you ever find the strength to leave? Will you ever be safe again?
Imagine threats to find and kill you and your children, wherever you go.
Imagine permanent injuries and sometimes death.


Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling and aggressive behaviours from one adult, usually a man, towards another, usually a woman, within the context of an intimate relationship.
It can be physical, sexual, psychological or emotional abuse. Financial abuse and social isolation is also common feature
The violence and abuse can be actual or threatened and can happen once every so often or on a regular basis.

It can happen to anyone, and in all kinds of relationships - heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender. People suffer domestic violence regardless of their social group, class, age, race, disability, sexuality or lifestyle. The abuse can begin at any time - in new relationships or after many years spent together

Children are affected by domestic violence both in the short and the long term.

All forms of abuse - psychological, economic, emotional and physical - come from the abuser’s desire for power and control.

When speaking out about my years of abuse I am often asked “Why Did you stay”?
To be honest I have no answer to this. A mixture of obstacles stood in my own and I suppose these all contributed to me deciding to stay.

Leaving may end the relationship but it doesn't always end the violence and abuse. I was terrified that he would follow and find me and then I would have been more so at risk for leaving him. Many women are tracked down and further abused when they leave, often for weeks and months afterwards.
Research suggests that about half of all women murdered by their partners, had left, or were in the process of leaving when they were killed.

I was only Seventeen years old when I met my husband and it took many years of abuse for me to realise that our relationship was that of Domestic Violence.

Despite increased awareness about domestic violence, many women don't know how to take advantage of their legal and housing rights. I had no Job and no money as he controlled it all. Had I have left; I would have had to of walked out wearing only the clothes I had on my back. A little hard to do when I had three young children.
Even if women are aware of these services, may experience problems due to language difficulties, inappropriate responses from service providers, living in isolated areas or a lack of funds.

We have always lived in isolated areas where bus services were unreliable and Family lived a distance away. Friends and Family were unaware of what was happening, so I could never have run to them for help. I never had any money. He never left money lying around, he would leave enough for the items I would need throughout the day. I would steal as much from his pockets as I could. I would hide it away, but it was never enough. I could never have of escaped very far. I also had nowhere to go.

My father drank heavily and my relationship with my Step Mother at this time was non existent. My mother, I feel would not have wanted the burden. I never felt that the door was left open for me to walk into, had I of chosen that path. I feel this contributed to the lack of closeness I feel our relationship has.

My mother let me down. She had to have had some idea to what was happening. Call it Mother’s intuition. If she did notice she never did anything or said anything to help me.
As a mother, I would go to Hell and back again for my children. Perhaps I have her to thank for the burning desire I have to make sure my own children are happy. They will always know, that no matter where, why or how, I will always be there for them. My door will always be open wide for them.

My Grandmother “Nana” as I called her was the only safe haven I had as a child. I slept at her home more than I did at my parent’s home. I had my own room but always slept soundly in her bed. She was the only one who would have opened the door for me and allowed me to stay .I felt I had let her down. I could not have possibly told her I had failed. So I stayed with him.

Many abused women think they should stay in their relationship for the sake of their children and I am afraid to say this was probably my main reason for staying. I relate this issue to the fact that my parents separated when I was a child and I was prepared to do anything to make sure my children had both parent at home. That included living that way I did for many years. I also wanted my Family to be proud of me. I was desperate for them to be proud of me.

I wanted to prove, that even though I had moved in with my husband within a few months of meeting him, the relationship would last despite their reservations. The ten year age gap was a worry to my family. Having a baby at a young age also gave them cause for concern. I wanted to prove them wrong. Perhaps my stubbornness also made me an easier target for the abuse. He knew how strong the feelings I had for making my family believe I was happy.

I was completely socially isolated; my abuser had deliberately tried to isolate me from sources of support including family and friends and I was far too ashamed or afraid to tell anyone.

I was emotionally dependant upon him for many years. The conflicted feelings of fear, shame, bewilderment, and love I had for my abuser. Also the hope that things would improve and the commitment I had to the relationship, contributed to me staying in an abusive situation.

I also had no confidence. After living with an abusive partner, my self-esteem had been eroded to the point where I no longer have confidence in myself, including my ability to survive alone, and I believe that there are no other options.

Many men who drink are not violent to their partners and many men who are violent do not drink. Alcohol may be a factor in triggering violent incidents in the home but research has shown it's not the cause.
Often when violent alcoholics seek help for their drinking, the outcome is a sober perpetrator. So it's more accurate to say that the two problems can co-exist rather than one causing the other.

Alcohol makes some men act in certain ways by giving them what they feel to be an excuse for their abusive behaviour. I always looked for an excuse behind my abusers abuse and because he was drinking very heavily when the abuse started I blamed the alcohol for his behaviour. However, drunkenness is never an excuse for violence. Drunk drivers are not seen as unable to help their behaviour, and their drunkenness is not seen as an excuse for the damage they cause. But as he had installed into my mind that the abuse was somehow my fault I was always able to find an excuse to why it had happened.

I always believed that my abuser could and would change.

Violent men can change but most won't. Domestic violence is a choice. We know this because: abusers usually only hit their partner (this is true for 85 per cent of abusive men) and abusers usually only hit their partner in private .They usually only hit their partner on parts of the body that are normally covered with clothing, so that others won't see the injuries and if something negative happens such as arrest, they are less likely to do it again.

Violent men often believe they 'can't help it'. In fact, it's this misconception that allows them to avoid the issue of taking responsibility for their acts of violence. Many men are capable of accepting this responsibility once they're taught some strategies for positive change. However, the abuser has to want to change; others cannot make him change.

90% of children are in the same or the next room when violence occurs so even if they don't see it, they usually overhear it. These experiences can affect them both in the short and the long term.

The emotional effects of witnessing domestic violence are very similar to the psychological trauma associated with being a victim of child abuse.

Research suggests that it's actually worse for some children to overhear the abuse than it is to see it. Often children's imaginations mean that the can be more traumatised by what they imagine may be happening from what they can hear, than if, for example, they could actually see that their mother was still alive.

I have to live with the guilt of knowing that my own actions have resulted in my children being affected. This is a guilt that will never disappear. I have requested counselling for my eldest child and we are waiting for a reply .As my two youngest children were babies at the time, I can only hope any memories they hold will fade or have already been forgotten.


It took ten years of abuse for me to take a stand. I applied secretly to the courts and had my abuser removed from the family home and had an Injunction placed upon him. To try to make him see, that I had finally had enough. I had to prove not only to him but to myself that I was worth more.

The years of abuse had changed the person I was. I was no longer the scared naïve little girl. I was a strong and independent woman, who was now ready to fight for what she so strongly believed in. That he was, from that day, never going to treat me that way again. I was no longer prepared to be victim. I was a fighter.

This is my story so far …….