Mental Meanderings

An Untidy Mind - Untidy Workspace

I feel cluttered and unable to concentrate at the moment. I was feeling fine most of the day. Still not up but definately not as down as I have been lately. Right at this minute however I feel flustered and jittery. I'm even struggling to write because my mind won't stay in one place long enough to even correctly type a word. This frame of mind makes everything around me a distraction and I see the clutter of my desk and the messes in my house and everything seems to pile on top of everything else feeling like a claustrophobic junk heap.

It's interesting to consider how the external environment and internal mind and body seem to relate to each other. I know my mind is often skittish and my surroundings reflect the fact that I struggle to follow through any single task. My house is a testiment to things only begun and never finished. My dishwasher right this minute has clean dishes in it that haven't been put away. My laundry is piled with washing because I'll turn a load on and forget to rotate it, and turn it on, and forget to rotate it. Sometimes I'll end up washing the same load three days in a row because I forget to put it in the drier. The bathroom needs a good sort and scrub down. The kids toys are strewn around the house. The kids bookshelf is practically upended, all the books are on it for a change but they're not stacked neatly.

It seems most apparently and chaotic and disturbing when my own mind isn't able to focus on anything. But even now doesn't progress me very far toward improving the situation because I'm most scattered when i'm thinking about it. It's the time I'll struggle to decide what to work on. I'll begin a task then move elsewhere, and elsewhere, and elsewhere and eventually I'll be worse then when I began.

It doesn't help that I also want to write. It's Tuesday again already? That means I completely missed last weeks assignment for The Tools of Poetry and let down my students. They don't chase me up about things like that however, sorry to any of them who read here. I really do need to get all my PPP into some semblance of order.

Being scattered like I am at the moment makes me reflect on all my good intentions. I started planning, goal setting, task listing, etc. a couple of months back but I haven't stuck with that either. Sometimes it's just so easy to put off things as if they're unimportant and then find that I'm overdue and running behind in getting things finished. Some projects I wanted to do daily and I'd say, nah, not today, and not today, and not today and a month has gone by and I haven't done any of it.

I'm not sure how to go about smoothing myself out with this sort of thing. Sometimes I wonder if it's a switch inside my head I can't find. Perhaps it's something normal people have that got misplaced when I was being created. I try to look back and see if I was ever better than I am now but I can't think of a time. I hope it's something that I can control but then that would require a will power and dedication I've thus far failed to pull to the fore.

What is it that controls how your mind compartmentalises projects? What controls the control in your life? How do you stop the ferris wheel of your mind so you can get off instead of constantly going around, and around in circles that get you no where? How do I slow down my brain so that each thought lasts more than a millisecond? For some reason this feels like a manic high, it's strange that my body feels manic high when my emotions don't. *frowns* Basically it's just a very confusing state of existence. I'd like to get off the ride of life and take a holiday.